Should Some Questions Go Unanswered?
“Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.”
This is what people tell Agent J (Will Smith) in Men in Black III every time he asks Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones), “How did you get this way?”
The whole movie turns on this question.
Boris the Animal, a boglodite (a species of parasite-like aliens), escapes from the LunarMax prison on the moon, and travels back in time to kill a young Agent K before K blows off Boris’s arm in 1969. Boris succeeds and puts the earth in grave danger of being invaded by the boglodites. Agent J has to go back in time to save K and the earth.
When we got in the car after the movie, my husband gave me a pointed look. “Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to. Sounds like a lesson someone I know should learn.”
“In what way?”
Deadpan, in a perfect Admiral Ackbar imitation, he said, “It’s a trap!”
And I laughed, not just because we’re Star Wars nerds, but because, in a way, my husband was right. Women are particularly fond of asking questions we don’t need or want the answer to.
Do these jeans make my butt look big?
Do you think she’s prettier than me?
What do you think of my hair?
We force people to lie to us, or get angry with them when they don’t.
Not every question should be asked. Not every question should be answered. Some questions only torment us and the person we ask.
But sometimes, even if we don’t want the answer, we may need it.
Through the Men in Black series, Agent J believes his father chose to be absent while he was growing up. He carried around a lot of resentment and pain. Because he refuses to stop asking and refuses to accept anything less than an answer, he finds out the truth. His father was a hero who died helping Agent K save the world from Boris the Animal.
And what was it that made K the way he is? Seeing the young James (Agent J) hop out of the nearby Jeep only moments after his father is killed and ask about his dad. K flashed him with his memory eraser so that he wouldn’t remember being there.
Knowing that answer helped J both personally in accepting that his father didn’t willingly abandon him, and professionally in understanding and appreciating his partner more. The answer hurt him, but it also helped him.
The same can be true for us, but the tricky part is learning the difference between a question we don’t want to know the answer to yet need to, and a question we ask out of our own insecurity or immaturity.
Did you cheat on me?
Are you still drinking?
Is my novel ready to publish?
Do I need to lose weight?
The answers to those types of questions might hurt. We might not really want to know. But knowing the answer is for the best.
How do you figure out whether a question you don’t really want to know the answer to is one you need to ask anyway?
Jun 04, 2012 @ 07:41:50
Great post. Sometimes we make things worse by not asking the tough questions. Sticking our heads in the sand rarely helps either. Haven’t seen this movie yet – it looked like a rental to me.
Jun 04, 2012 @ 08:36:30
Unless you can see it free the way we did (or you’re a major Men in Black fan), I would say rent it. If we’d paid to see either MIB3 or Battleship, we would have been disappointed, but because we didn’t, we could appreciate them for what they had to offer.
Jun 04, 2012 @ 08:08:00
I see this in the writing process: you only become a better writer when you ask for truthful criticism. This applies to typos in a blog post (my friends know to tell me if they see something wrong) to sending chapters to my writing partner (she redlines the heck out of them): the truth may hurt but it makes me so much better.
Jun 04, 2012 @ 09:21:21
The truth almost always hurts as writers because there’s always room for improvement, but it does make us better if we take it! I think it takes a certain level of maturity in a writer to realize that.
Jun 04, 2012 @ 09:08:24
I think you are right about there being different kinds of questions. Some of the questions are just about our own insecurity and don’t need to be asked, like Do you think she’s prettier than me? The answer to that is “Who cares!” We don’t need to ask those questions, we need to figure out what is prompting us to feel that way and deal with the underlying issues. The hard questions that we do need the answer to are so tough to ask, but we always feel better when we do. Although, I ususally find that when I don’t want to ask it’s because I already know the answer, I just don’t like it.
Jun 04, 2012 @ 09:20:11
I’ve found that too about the tough questions. I usually know the answer and usually know what I should do, but I don’t really want to and so I’m hoping whoever I ask will tell me something different
Jun 04, 2012 @ 09:45:57
We just saw this movie yesterday, and I really enjoyed it. That said, I agree. If you don’t want to know the answers to those heartbreaking questions, don’t ask. However, we need people to be honest with us, and while the tough questions can hurt, they DO need to be asked. Key is having someone you can really trust to talk with.
Great job on turning the movie into a thoughtful blog post!
Jun 05, 2012 @ 23:14:15
Thanks
I was pleasantly surprised by this movie. It had all the elements I wanted and expected from a Men in Black flick.
I think I would much rather have honesty even if it hurts. Once I have the truth, I can grow from it.
Jun 04, 2012 @ 10:10:54
Ohhhh….yes….tough questions often come with answers we may not like. But for me, I usually ask them anyway because I do want to know the truth. No matter what. I’d rather know and deal with it face on than live in ignorance.
Jun 05, 2012 @ 23:18:01
Ignorance can often lead to us facing a bigger hurt down the road, so I think you’re right about just asking and getting it over with.
Jun 04, 2012 @ 13:03:10
Ooh, this is a toughy, especially since I suffer from “blurt syndrome.”
I’ve learned many times, too late, that my questions should probably have remained silent. Then again, any discussion that grows heated that ends with greater awareness and closeness is a good thing. I prefer honesty, even when the questions stem from my own insecurities. Great post!
Jun 05, 2012 @ 23:22:49
“Blurt syndrome” – love that!
My mom and I are often accused of arguing when, in our minds, what we’re having is an animated discussion. We really enjoy debating with each other, and I think that’s one of the reasons we’re so close.
Jun 04, 2012 @ 15:02:06
Blurt syndrome. I like that. Fabulous post, Marcy. I am getting better at asking the tough questions, but the right tough questions. And I don’t need to ask if my butt looks big because my kids will tell me how it is. Straight up. LOL.
Jun 05, 2012 @ 23:25:39
Haha. My husband has no trouble telling me when he hates something I’m wearing so he sounds a little like your kids in that way. But he does also always tell me how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am, so that makes up for his bluntness in other areas.
Jun 04, 2012 @ 16:46:15
Marcy –
You should be a professor/instructor at a college! You would know how to teach to Freshman. You talk to them about movies. Show them some clips and then hit them with the heavy stuff: ethical/life questions! You’d be brilliant at it!
I taught at community college for a couple of years. My first class was like hammering nails into metal beams! Here I was trying to teach them about Socrates and they just wanted to start debating.
Another great post!
Monique
Jun 05, 2012 @ 23:30:52
Thank you! What a lovely compliment. I love to teach, and I find that I understand the world through analogies, metaphors, and stories so those connections are just a reflection of how I see the world
Jun 04, 2012 @ 20:20:46
Who I ask those questions to will vary. if I trust your opinion, I’ll ask you about xyz…but otherwise, i don’t ask. good post.
Jun 05, 2012 @ 23:33:33
Very good point, and it made me think. It can turn into something very unhealthy if we keep going back to a person who answers in a way intended to make us feel inferior and them feel superior.
I tend to be a people pleaser, so I think I ask more often than I should in order to get validation.
Jun 05, 2012 @ 01:49:37
Sometimes we need to learn to ask for what we want instead of framing it as a question. Those questions women ask are a cry for attention, for someone to notice us and recognize us. Instead of asking “how do I look?”, we should just say it “Tell me I look pretty/beautiful/sexy.”
If there is a question you want to ask that you are afraid to, it is probably because you know the answer. Not only you know, but you know it’s the answer you don’t want. If you don’t ask, you don’t have to admit it.
Jun 05, 2012 @ 23:38:08
I really love your point about learning to ask for what we want instead of phrasing it as a question. In a safe environment (for example, in a good marriage), I think there’s value in learning to say to your spouse, “I’m feeling insecure because ______, and I need you to ________.”
Jun 06, 2012 @ 02:16:28
Marcy, I have yet to read a post of yours that didn’t make me think about it, long into the night.
Thanks for writing such a great blog, WANA sister!
Jun 10, 2012 @ 02:02:05
“We force people to lie to us, or get angry with them when they don’t.”
hmmm… I really had to think about this, because my hubz & I argue about it on & off. I think, tho, that I’m not asking him to lie, so much as I’m hoping the answer is what I want to hear. I want him to say, “You look great!” because I want him to think that. I’ve gotten better at asking for specifically what I need to hear, but insecurity is a tough battle. It’s funny — on some things, I don’t give a rat’s behind what someone thinks (for example, my fixation with pink purses & pink wallets & pink accessories), & I can tell someone straight up that I don’t care what they think because I like it & that’s that. I guess if it’s my own OPINION under attack, I can stand firm in my resolve. But if it’s something I have no control over, ie. the way I look, I’m more hopeful of a kind answer, since I know there’s not a lot I can do about it. Definitely something to think about!
Magic of the Blog-o-sphere…A Techie Tuesday Gift | Jenny Hansen's Blog
Jun 12, 2012 @ 06:32:32
[...] No one ties movies together with life questions better than Marcy Kennedy. Here’s a great example: Should Some Questions Go Unanswered? [...]