Did I Eat All The Bertie Bott’s Beans Flavors?
Earlier this week, in my Behind the Scenes post on Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans, I let you vote on whether you wanted to know how my box of Every Flavor Beans tasted and whether I ate them all—even the vomit-, booger-, and rotten egg-flavored ones. Since I received a resounding “yes” . . .
After arranging our beans in the order we each planned to eat them (we ended up being opposite), my husband and I used a round of rock-paper-scissors to decide who’d eat the first bean. I lost.
Until I chewed, I honestly believed those little Jelly Bellies were going to taste good and be awful in name only. I was wrong. Oh so wrong.
“How was it?” my husband asked.
I swallowed and turned pleading eyes to him. “It tastes just like sweet grass.”
The black pepper tasted just like black pepper, the soap like when you get shampoo in your mouth in the shower. The earwax, despite its name, tasted like the wax lips I used to have as a kid at Halloween.
Overall, none of them were that terrible, but I knew from my husband’s reaction that the worst was yet to come.
The dirt bean came next and tasted like wet bark and mud (please don’t ask how I know what that tastes like). The sausage? Well, let’s just say meat and jelly beans should never go together.
And then all I had left was the earthworm, the vomit, the booger, and the rotten egg.
Earthworm apparently tastes like raw, moldy beets.
I’d be lying if I said that by the time I finished the earthworm bean I didn’t consider simply swallowing the vomit, booger, and rotten egg beans whole like pills. Then I could honestly say I’d eaten them, but I wouldn’t have had to taste them. Except that would have been cheating. So I chewed that vomit bean.
And I’m sad to report it reminded me exactly of the taste you get in your mouth when you almost throw up.
I looked at my husband, who only had black pepper, soap, and grass left (and who was smirking at me).
“Someone had to taste test these,” I said. “Can you imagine?”
“I hope they got hazard pay.” He popped soap into his mouth. “You’re up again.”
His plan of eating the terrible ones first suddenly looked brilliant.
I stared down my booger bean, and it stared back at me in all its mocking greenness, looking innocently like what I’d come to expect a juicy pear Jelly Belly to look like.
And I chewed and I swallowed. And then, in between chugging down a Diet Pepsi to try to purge my taste buds, I asked my OCD husband (who insists on even numbers of everything), “Are you really going to eat two of these?”
He shook his head. “My OCD can go to h*ll.”
And I forgave him the mild profanity because that’s exactly where the booger bean belonged.
Only one bean now stood between me and being able to claim the distinction of having eaten every awful Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans flavor that came in our boxes—rotten egg.
For the love of all things good, if you do buy a box of Bertie Bott’s Beans, do not eat this flavor. I tried. I really did. But this is like the Death Star of jelly beans. I couldn’t manage to get it down.
Not only could I not get it down, I spent a couple minutes gagging over our kitchen sink while my husband laughed.
To think I once thought cinnamon jelly beans were as bad as it got. I can safely say that we won’t be buying Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans again. At the same time, it was the most we’d laughed in weeks, and for that alone, it was worth it. Next time, though, I think I’ll stick to chocolate frogs.
If you still want to try these or if you’re throwing a Harry Potter-themed party, you can buy them from Jelly Belly or from Amazon.com. (My apologies to my Canadian readers. As far as I know, you can’t get them in Canada.)
If you want to go even farther behind the scenes, Jelly Belly also sells Bean Boozled, where flavors like chocolate pudding and canned dog food look identical. You won’t know what you’re eating until you chew.
Is there a flavor of jelly bean that you would absolutely refuse to try?
Dec 15, 2011 @ 09:52:02
Oy vay! What we will do for interesting blog content. You get an A+++++++++ for super duper creativity. LOVE this and poor you and DH, but at the same time what a fun memory.
Do these have to be real flavors we would refuse to try? Because Brain Matter (the gray one with red flecks) would never be touched.
Dec 15, 2011 @ 13:25:53
Haha. I think even I might have drawn the line at brain matter jelly beans.
We’re hoping to make a lot of great memories to sustain us when we’re old and rocking in our rocking chairs 🙂
Dec 15, 2011 @ 10:08:09
Hmm… As long as it’s in the form of a sugar-laden jelly bean, I suppose I’d try any flavor. Wait. Keep me away from cough syrup flavor. Oh, and anything associated with a person or animal behind.
Hilarious, Marcy!
Dec 15, 2011 @ 13:27:10
I considered coming up with some really disgusting non-animal and non-human based flavors to ask you about, but I think this post might have already reached it “ewww” quota 🙂
Dec 15, 2011 @ 10:26:23
Still shaking my head. So not worth it. You’re insane. Great writing though 🙂
Dec 15, 2011 @ 13:02:29
Given how well you know me, I bet you were guessing I wouldn’t eat them all 🙂
Dec 15, 2011 @ 21:27:53
You didn’t! You spit the last out one. Fear Factor rules – have to swallow. 🙂
Dec 16, 2011 @ 17:26:46
Fear Factor doesn’t require you to chew 😛
Dec 15, 2011 @ 11:14:56
Rollicking fun post, Marcy! But I’ll take a pass on the jelly beans, thanks.
Dec 15, 2011 @ 13:30:13
Thanks 🙂 And I don’t blame you!
Dec 15, 2011 @ 12:05:50
Hahahaha, you did way better than me! I got my bag of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans at the midnight release for Half-Blood Prince (book, not movie). Mine were all mixed in together, so even with the chart it was really hard to tell which was which. After nibbling on about 3 that I thought were safe and nearly gagging I gave up. Does that make me a bad Harry Potter fan? Lol 😉
Dec 15, 2011 @ 13:32:17
Actually, I think that makes you a smart Harry Potter fan. Someone would have to pay me in order to get me to eat Bertie Bott’s Beans again. Wizards and witches must have different taste buds than mere muggles because I don’t know how Bertie Bott would stay in business otherwise 🙂 (Setting aside the fact that it’s fiction of course . . .)
Dec 15, 2011 @ 12:16:57
This is one insane post. You’re so brave, Marcy! I’ve always wondered how they tasted. Now I know, and I’ll never try them 🙂
LOL at “hazard pay”.
Dec 15, 2011 @ 13:33:30
I really was absolutely convinced until that first bite that they were going to be good. Methinks I’ll be more cautious in the future 🙂
Dec 15, 2011 @ 12:31:57
Yikes! You poor thing, and to think you did this all in the name of being a good blogger. You definitely win the award for most committed!
We’ve tried Bertie Botts before and well, most of the box went in the trash. I’m with you on the chocolate frogs, though. Those are delicious! If I can ever figure out how to make butterbeer, my life would be golden. Mmmm, butterbeer and chocolate frogs.
Dec 15, 2011 @ 13:05:37
I must admit this sounded like a much better idea before I bit into that first jelly bean 🙂 We didn’t finish all the beans either (my stomach just couldn’t take it), but we did try every flavor.
I guess I’ll have to start scouring for a homemade butterbeer recipe 😉
Dec 15, 2011 @ 13:54:53
“The Death Star of jelly beans,” that’s just one line that made me LOL! Great post, Marcy. Those sounded pretty disgusting. Man, oh, man! But I can see how you and your hubby had fun doing this together. Now that you described these tastes so astutely, you saved the rest of us from giving it a go, and I’ll take your word for it. One jelly bean flavor I’d refuse to eat would be dog doo. That’s got to be a real stomach churner!
Dec 16, 2011 @ 18:12:01
Dog doo–that’s a tough one. I think I would have had to pass on that too. That’s as bad as Kristen’s brain matter. In their Been Boozled boxes, Jelly Belly includes baby wipes as well as canned dog food. Honestly, that’s closer than I ever want to get to eating either.
Dec 15, 2011 @ 15:50:09
Thanks for carrying out this taste test, Marcy. Now I never have to.
Dec 16, 2011 @ 18:12:19
Hehe 🙂
Dec 15, 2011 @ 21:55:54
Oh Marcy, what happened to the regular, old fashioned jelly bean? Uh, your braver than I am. Couldn’t do it. Yuck. Splat. Puke. Nope, can’t do it. 🙂
Dec 16, 2011 @ 18:13:23
I can assure you I’ll be sticking to regular jelly beans from now on 🙂
Dec 15, 2011 @ 22:20:39
OMG! You had me cracking up this whole post. I can’t imagine trying ANY of those. -gag- Kudos to you and your gameness to try. I don’t even think I could have pretended they were pills and just swallowed without gagging. Ick!!
Dec 16, 2011 @ 18:16:57
After we found out what they tasted like, we were wishing we hadn’t bought four of them. Granted the boxes were small, but still. And they had way more of the awful flavors than of the good ones.
Dec 16, 2011 @ 01:47:30
Oh! So much braver than I ever could be! Very funny, very entertaining post though. Well done! You truly have suffered for your art. 😉
Dec 16, 2011 @ 18:18:59
Thanks, Serena 🙂
P.S. I just realized I wasn’t yet subscribed to your blog 🙁 I have you added to my Google Reader now. I don’t know how I overlooked it before.
Dec 16, 2011 @ 08:51:54
You are so brave! I would refuse to try all of the flavors. I’m really not into jelly beans in the first place as they are not big or tastey enough to count as candy in my book. I’m a Sour Patch Kid, Sour Blue Cola Bottles type of girl. But now I do think the Harry Potter jelly beans could make a fantastic gift for someone special. Heehee.
Dec 16, 2011 @ 18:20:48
My brother is the same way. He loves candy that makes him pucker. And now that you mention it, I can think of a couple people these might be good gifts for as well 😉
Dec 16, 2011 @ 10:06:36
I’ve seen these but assumed, like you, that they had a gross name but tasted fine. I’m glad to know better now!
Thanks for the taste-testing. This I would not done.
🙂
Dec 16, 2011 @ 18:21:16
I’m glad I could save you from finding out the hard way that they really do taste as bad as they sound 🙂
Dec 16, 2011 @ 15:54:35
Don’t forget dirty diaper or skunk….http://www.macombdaily.com/articles/2011/09/01/news/doc4e5ef30714414390486876.txt
You are braver…or something…than most! 🙂
Dec 16, 2011 @ 19:07:08
I’m close enough to Clinton Township that I could have technically gone to that, but given my experience now, I think I’ll pass!
MASH-UP: Berttie Bott’s, Man Movies, and More « Jessica O'Neal
Jan 20, 2012 @ 08:30:15
[…] Did I Eat All the Bertie Bott’s Beans Flavors? by Marcy Kennedy: This post is from about a month ago, but this is the first mash-up I’ve done since then and I don’t care. It is hilarious and one that I related to from experience. […]
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Jun 12, 2015 @ 23:05:55
review of the gross flavors
black pepper: oh wow. did you know they put real black pepper in this? it tastes like SALTY PEPPERY SOUP!! with some spice, of course
booger: this tastes salty, and, uh, I don’t know, I never picked my nose and ate its contents
dirt: tastes like that time when my and my friend were bombarded my dirt and dirt got in our mouths ugh its disgusting. but not the jellybean!
earthworm: tastes exactly like dirt, I don’t really remember, I got my first box years ago and my second box last week and I didn’t get any earthworms
earwax: NOT BAD AT ALL BUT NOT GOOD
grass:tastes like that smell after someone mowes the lawn
rotten egg: UGH IM NEVER TRYING THIS AGAIN I have the whole freaking embarrassing event on my videos. it is completely disgusting, and I would rather eat egg salad.
sausage:tastes like rotten port chops.
nevertheless I never even had pork chops
soap:TASTES LIKE MY MOM’S DISH SOAP or lemon baby shampoo
vomit: I NEVER HAD THIS AND ITS A GOOD THING BECAUSE IM ONLY 11 YEARS OLD
watermelon:what the heck? this flavor is never in any of the boxes. its not gross, just, really rare. reply to this if you’ve ever got a watermelon.
Jun 14, 2015 @ 18:15:17
That’s a great overview of the flavors! Thanks for commenting 🙂
I have gotten watermelon before, but usually only when you get the 50 flavor bags on Jelly Belly jelly beans.
Jun 12, 2015 @ 23:07:10
I mean 13 not 11
Mar 14, 2016 @ 10:12:23
What, you think cinnamon is the worst of regular flavors? That’s one of my favorites, next to marshmallow and butterscotch! I picked up a pack of these Bott’s beans at Universal, and honestly the only one that seemed that bad to me was rotten egg. The vomit one tasted like a failed attempt at making a pizza flavored jelly bean. I have to say, the only jelly bean that makes me gag is tutti fruiti.
Mar 14, 2016 @ 13:26:02
We must have opposite taste buds. Tutti fruitti is one of my favorite flavors 🙂
Mar 14, 2016 @ 14:50:22
My wife like’s the Tutti Frutti ones too. I just can’t figure out what exactly they are suppose to taste like, so I never could acquire the taste. Also can’t do the bubblegum or lime flavored ones. My favorites are probably the black licorice ones, but almost every one I know hates those.