Do You Ever Feel Like You Don’t Fit In?
If you’ve ever felt like you don’t fit in, you have something in common with a Viking teenager named Hiccup.
Hiccup is the scrawny, clumsy, yet creative son of the Viking chieftain in the Dreamworks movie How to Train Your Dragon. No one quite understands Hiccup’s unique ways of doing things. More than anything he wants to kill one of the mysterious Night Fury dragons who attack his village, because he thinks that if he does, he’ll earn his father’s respect and won’t be the laughingstock of his tribe any more. All of Hiccup’s attempts to fit in only make him stick out more, and the girl he has a crush on thinks he’s a loser.
At times I’ve felt a lot like Hiccup. I grew up a sparrow in a family of blue jays. I desperately wanted them to like me and be proud of me. I wanted to feel like I fit in and was accepted, but I couldn’t hide how different I was. Like Hiccup, my weirdness always reared its head at the most inconvenient times.
But Hiccup figured out quicker than I did that, when you’re willing to be yourself, you’ll find truly creative solutions to the problems you’re facing.
One night, during a dragon attack, Hiccup manages to use one of the weapons he’s created to bring down a Night Fury, but no one believes him. He goes out looking for it on his own, planning to cut out its heart and bring it back as proof.
The only problem is that, when he finds the dragon, he can’t kill it. He’s the first Viking in 300 years who wouldn’t kill a dragon. He sets it free instead and thus begins a friendship that seems to prove he’s the world’s worst Viking. The dragon, who Hiccup names Toothless, shows him everything the Vikings thought about the dragons was wrong, and eventually their friendship helps save the village.
If Hiccup had been like every other Viking, the cycle of Vikings killing dragons and dragons killing Vikings would have continued until one wiped the other out. It’s always been the people who are brave enough to be themselves who come up with the greatest innovations.
Leonardo da Vinci. Albert Einstein. Steve Jobs.
And, eventually, if you stay true to yourself, you’ll find people who like you for who you are.
Near the end of How to Train Your Dragon, the girl Hiccup likes asks him what he’s going to do about the fact that his father has chained up Toothless and is headed to destroy the dragons’ nest.
“Probably something crazy,” Hiccup says.
Her lips quirk into a smile. “That’s more like it.”
She and the other Viking teens help Hiccup because, over the past weeks, they’ve learned to like him just the way he is, quirks and all. In the end, he also earns his father’s respect. He never would have earned it by trying to fit in.
I wish I could tell you I earned what I wanted from my extended family, but I haven’t yet. I have seen a little progress, a little hope. Even if they never come to accept me, I have a husband who does, and parents and a brother who believe in me. And in being myself, I’ve found friends both online and offline who like me just the way I am, in all my nerdy glory. For all of you, I’m very grateful.
Have you struggled to fit in only to have it fail? Have you been able to finally find people who accept you and like you just the way you are?
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Apr 30, 2012 @ 08:59:00
Oh my goodness, do I ever! I am a big city girl at heart living in a small town that thinks it’s a city. Everyone around me is outdoorsy and drinks beer. People make judgements about me and make fun of me because I wear high heels and I like dressing up. I have finally accepted myself as I am and I’m getting used to being the most dressed up person in any situation. And now I’ve decided to move to a place where I do fit in. Everyone has their spot. It sounds like yours is with your husband. What a lucky guy!
Apr 30, 2012 @ 09:15:31
Thanks 🙂 And you’re making great choices to follow who you are! I’ve always wished I knew how to walk in heels (I’ve been told I look like I’m in pain) and had the fashion know-how to pick out dressier clothes. Strange as it might sound, my husband usually comes shopping with me, and between the two of us, we manage to find me pretty and appropriate clothes for any situation in a way I couldn’t have alone.
Apr 30, 2012 @ 09:37:15
Beautiful post Marcy!
I struggled with fitting in for many years. A move to a new city was a huge help and sort of helped me set myself free to start fresh and “be me”. I was lucky to then form a wonderful circle of friends and family as the “new” me and learned the acceptance of self as a true gift that set me free from trying to fit in.
Besides which, fitting in is BORING. Being unique, crazy, wild, and unpredictable is where the joy and fun truly reside!
Apr 30, 2012 @ 15:14:50
Isn’t it wonderful how we almost get to start over when we go to a new place? I think that might have contributed to the authentic relationship my husband and I had from the start. He wasn’t from my home town so he had no preconceptions about me or my family.
Apr 30, 2012 @ 10:36:10
First off, I loved this move. Such a great message, and the dragon was just fantastic. Secondly, this is a great post. I always felt uncomfortable in my own skin, and I’m very hard on myself: too fat, too quiet, too boring, etc. My parents never made me feel that way, but something inside me always cultivated those feelings, and I still do, to an extent. It’s only in the last couple of years I’m learning to accept myself and recognize my accomplishments, etc.
Apr 30, 2012 @ 14:57:34
I grew up with great parents too, so I know my perceptions of myself didn’t come from them. I was actually told once that I didn’t know how to have fun (I do–it’s just my idea of fun wasn’t their idea of fun), so I’m sure that contributed.
Just from what I know of you I can tell you that you have a lot to be proud of. Not only do you have a book coming out and a strong blog, but you’re also very nice to people.
Apr 30, 2012 @ 10:58:30
Hiccup! What a sweet name. 🙂 I wonder if any writers—or other creative types—feel they DO fit in. Once I realized writing was what I wanted to do, I felt a great sense of relief and empowerment. We all fit in somewhere, whether we suit the popular “in” crowd, or not. Accepting ourselves seems to ease the process as we live and present ourselves more authentically.
Apr 30, 2012 @ 15:02:42
It’s a cute movie overall 🙂 I felt like I’d finally found my place too when I accepted that being a writer was part of who I was and that it was okay. I think if we deny who we are we’ll never be able to be truly happy.
Apr 30, 2012 @ 11:27:09
Lovely post, Marcy. Fitting in seems to be the theme in the blogosphere this morning. I married into a family of blonde size 5 women who had breast augmentation surgery. I was not blonde, never been a size 5 and well let’s just say reduction surgery would be more my speed.
they don’t read, think Jerry Springer is real and well, I could go on and on. I tried so hard to fit but I never did and finally I gave up. I stopped trying to be the good daughter who would be accepted and just did what I wanted. they didn’t like it but I was happy.
Apr 30, 2012 @ 15:23:17
It’s a really good point you made about how they didn’t like it but you were happy. That’s a choice many of us eventually have to make. I could have tried to become what other wanted me to be, but I would have been miserable and I would have felt like a liar.
Apr 30, 2012 @ 12:49:02
Love this movie. I love how you use movies to make a point. And this is a brilliant post!
I thankfully have always had a family who supports me being me. “Be the best YOU, you can be” was a theme throughout childhood. But I learned how to be COMFORTABLE with myself only after I’d moved from home and was free to explore who I wanted to be.
Apr 30, 2012 @ 15:24:49
Thank you! Even when we come from a supportive family, there’s a lot to be said for finally having to stand on our own and really embrace who we are 🙂
Apr 30, 2012 @ 12:49:32
Hi Marcy. I grew up in a very strict religious family and I wasn’t allowed to do anything or go anywhere. I was “weird” because my family wouldn’t let me go to school dances or other functions. I could only associate with other kids from my church, who I didn’t really like that much. Kids at school thought I was a snob or weird because I never did normal kid things even though I wanted to.
That’s all changed now that I’m an adult and can make my own decisions, but it was a strange growing up period for me because I was always the one who didn’t fit in.
I’m glad you’re coming to terms with your originality too. Keep it up. I think you’re awesome, even if you do like science fiction! (Tee hee)
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
Apr 30, 2012 @ 16:25:35
Hehe – and here I thought it was because I liked science fiction 😉
Apr 30, 2012 @ 14:05:28
I think many artists feel like they don’t fit it and have resigned themselves to stop trying. But, thinking upon it – what made great artists great is because they saw things a little differently, they talked about the things no one wanted to talk about, they gave people and issues who had no voice a platform through their writing or art, etc.
We’re all in good company, I’d say.
Apr 30, 2012 @ 15:28:06
The artists who will be remembered are the ones who decided to define themselves rather than let others define them. Even if you look back at Dickens, for example. He wrote about topics that no other writer at the time was willing to touch.
Apr 30, 2012 @ 16:28:04
Not fitting in can be so painful-ugh! But it’s so true how it matters less and less the more comfortable I get to realizing my true self.
I’m going to have to watch that movie–sounds sweet.
May 02, 2012 @ 09:39:30
And it seems like the more life experiences we add to our history, the more we learn about ourselves and come to like ourselves. At least that’s the way it worked for me 🙂
Apr 30, 2012 @ 16:35:38
Great post (and I may actually make a point to watch a cartoon now).
For much of my life I never felt like I fit in. I tended to be shy and quiet, didn’t make friends easily, though I loved being around people, one-on-one has always been more comfortable.
I’m not sure when, but at some point I realized that I liked who I am and if other did not, I was okay with that.
The strangest thing about that decision was, after I made it, I actually started to ‘fit in’ better. Maybe we put people off when we’re not comfortable with who we are?
May 02, 2012 @ 09:40:38
You’d think I’d be a huge cartoon fan, but I’m actually extremely picky when it comes to anything animated. This movie is one I’d watch again.
I think people can sense when we’re nervous and that makes them nervous around us. A confident person is attractive.
Apr 30, 2012 @ 16:38:35
I never felt like I fit in. Not even now. I, too, had great parents so it was nothing they put upon me. I was simply always on the outside of everything. I’ve come to accept that. But I think I’m fairly good at just being me now. I’m happier that way. Great post, Marcy!
May 02, 2012 @ 09:41:49
I’m glad you’re comfortable just being you because there are a lot of us who like you just the way you are.
Apr 30, 2012 @ 17:02:31
This is a good post, Marcy. In “How to Train Your Dragon”, hiccup is an outsider, becomes ostracized, and then scapegoated. I didn’t put this into perspective until reading your post, but it’s all there in the movie. So now that you’ve identified the reason, it makes perfect sense why I liked the movie so much.
I’ve never felt like I’ve fit in. I’m a deep rooted non-conformist and that scares people; people find security in conformity yet I find insecurity. Your list of outcasts (Leonardo da Vinci, Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs) turned themselves into _outliers_, which is a totally different ballgame.
So there are people to look up to, and the end of your article says to take pride in being yourself. That advice is something to remind ourselves each time we get up in the morning. We’ll always feel like we’re on the outside looking in, but lately I’m beginning to enjoy the view.
Thanks for posting this
May 03, 2012 @ 17:31:37
One thing I think we need to remember is that every outlier was first an outcast. Conformity is the death of creativity. Like you said, enjoy the view. You’ll see things that no one else does, and the people who don’t accept you will thank you for it later.
Apr 30, 2012 @ 18:12:10
Beautiful post, Marcy. Thanks for sharing it with us!
I was definitely at odds with my school environment, and didn’t feel like I fit in, even though I had friends, I was never part of the “popular” inner circle of any group. That was painfully apparent at my 30yr high school reunion (although not a surprise). But there were also some pleasant revelations at that reunion, too.
What particularly pains me these days is seeing my kids go through this to varying degrees. It’s the school environment that’s the biggest problem. We call our boys “the square pegs in the round holes of public education.” It’s not as bad as it could be, but it’s not ideal, either.
May 03, 2012 @ 17:39:50
I think is was Seth Godin who wrote the book Stop Stealing Dreams, which posits that our current school system turns out children who don’t know how to think for themselves and find creative, out-of-the-box solutions to problems. Minus, of course, the few who are those square pegs. In my mind, it’s actually a good sign if a child doesn’t really fit in.
Apr 30, 2012 @ 18:33:02
This really hits me in a vulnerable spot, but in a very good way. I’ve always been the black sheep of the family – I got the brains, not the looks. For a while it didn’t bother me, but recently I’ve been wanting so badly for them to show me that they care about what I have to say and what I want to do with my life. It hurts when you want that validation and no one gives it to you. But I’ve come to realize that the only way to prove myself to them is to do just that – go out there and prove myself. When I’ve written a bestseller, they’ll come knocking on my door, guaranteed!
Thanks for reminding me that the best I can do is just be myself. You always have a way of hitting the nail right on the head, Marcy!
May 03, 2012 @ 17:42:15
I’m glad I could help. And I’ll tell you what my husband has told me numerous times–external beauty fades and men would rather marry a woman with intelligence any day because that makes her beautiful to them. I think you came out the winner in the deal 🙂 (Plus, I think whoever told you that you weren’t pretty is a liar.)
Apr 30, 2012 @ 20:12:58
Wonderful post, Marcy.
Growing up, it was our whole family that didn’t fit in after we moved from rural Pennsylvania farm country to a suburb of a suburb of a suburb of Pittsburgh. It was still a small community, buy we we lower-middle in the subdivision of solid middle class. Add my Pennsylvania Dutch strictly religious background (no dancing, no makeup, no jewelry, no movies, no, no, no), and you have the picture.
I made myself fit in using what I now know to be co-dependent behavior–a people pleaser. My sense of humor and creative sneakiness served me well during my HS years.
But, it wasn’t until recently that I realized I carried self-esteem boulders in my psyche. SO freeing to finally become comfortable in my own skin.
Thanks for reminding me. It’s refreshing to remember where I came from, and the journey that shaped who I am today.
May 07, 2012 @ 23:27:59
It seems like a lot of us women struggle with being people pleasers at one time or another. I’m glad you found a way to shake off the boulders of the past 🙂
Apr 30, 2012 @ 23:51:55
I totally love you in all your nerdy glory! I didn’t fit in so much my siblings used to tell me I was adopted. Now that I’m older and know them better, I kind of wish I was adopted! I’ve accepted over the years too that my family will never really accept me for who I am. They want to hold onto the girl I was growing up (she was kind of an idiot at times) and not see the woman I am now. It hurts, but I can’t change them. The best part is that I no longer look to them for approval. That has freed me in such an amazing and incredible way. Only after I stopped longing for their acceptance did I realize how amazing I truly am.
You’re amazing, too.
May 07, 2012 @ 23:30:48
I’m pretty sure part of the problem with my family too is that they can’t look past some of the differences in the way we’ve chosen to live our lives long enough to take a chance to see if they like me as a person. I don’t think they’ve ever stopped long enough to see if what they think of me matches with reality. For example, they think I never smile. Anyone outside my family who spends 10 minutes with me knows I have a hard time not smiling.
And I agree–you are an amazing woman and I’m glad to have met you 🙂
May 01, 2012 @ 06:45:37
I’ve found that I don’t really fit in among other writers. If other writers typically have this problem or do, I’m nearly always the opposite. I’ve had such strange writing problems that everyone walks away from me, figuring I must be making it up.
May 07, 2012 @ 23:31:56
Hmm, that is odd. Maybe others just aren’t brave enough to admit to having the same problems. But you have me intrigued. I’d love to know about some of the unique problems you’re facing in your writing.
May 01, 2012 @ 13:09:35
I ADORE this movie! There are so many wonderful lessons to be gleaned from it and, as usual, you have managed to pull those lessons out beautifully. Growing up for me was interesting. I went to an arts school so pretty much all of my friends and classmates were the people that would have been considered weird and nerdy at a typical school, but there were still only certain types of weird and nerdy that were acceptable. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I really came to terms with and accepted ALL of my nerd, not just certain parts of it. It is so freeing and, like you said, people accept those parts of me. Not everyone *gets* it, but that doesn’t keep them from loving those parts of me. Wonderful post, Marcy.
May 07, 2012 @ 23:34:20
Thanks! I had to smile when you talked about accepting ALL your nerd. I faced a similar thing. It wasn’t until my husband and I found each other and discovered a nerd kindred spirit that I think we both came to terms with the totality of our nerdness 🙂
May 01, 2012 @ 18:40:32
“Eventually, if you stay true to yourself, you’ll find people who like you for who you are.” <– loved this line! & Loved that movie, too. This post was very close to home for me. I don't fit in with my family, but lucky for me, my sister & my husband both accept me for who I am. I had to learn to like me first, & stay true to myself, so it's been a long, uphill battle, but I'm much happier being honest & I no longer try to fit in. Thank for this post — it always feels good to know I'm not alone! 🙂
Andi-Roo /// @theworld4realz
http://www.theworld4realz.com/
theworldforrealz@gmail.com
May 07, 2012 @ 23:36:41
It is so nice to feel we’re not alone, isn’t it. And there’s such a benefit to having a couple accepting people who love us just the way we are.
Like you, I’m much happier now that I’ve come to accept myself.
May 01, 2012 @ 23:27:44
Fit in? Oh, is that what we’re supposed to do? LOL! 🙂
May 03, 2012 @ 17:44:12
Haha. I’d actually argue that it’s better when we don’t 😉