How Do We Know If Someone Has Truly Changed?
How can we tell if someone has truly changed? How many chances should we give someone before saying “no more”?
The knotty nature of authentic change is a theme Once Upon A Time comes back to again and again. Sydney Glass has the chance to change from being Regina’s spineless, love-sick toy to a man of honor, but allows her to continue to use him. Emma changes from someone who’s alone because of her fears to someone who’s slowly building friendships and desperately wants to get back her son.
Each layer of Mr. Gold’s story especially returns to the nature of change.
In “Skin Deep,” we find out that Mr. Gold isn’t only Rumplestiltskin, but also the Beast to Belle’s beauty. She falls in love with him the way we knew she would, and believes it’s still possible for him to change. And she thinks she’s found the way—true love’s kiss.
Instead of escaping when given the chance, Belle returns to him and kisses him. The curse starts to break, and Rumplestiltskin jerks away. He demands to know what she’s doing. He has his chance, but he refuses to take it.
We see it again in “The Return.” Disgusted by what his father has become, Rumplestiltskin’s son makes a deal. If he can find a way to get rid of his father’s magic that doesn’t hurt either of them, his father has to agree to do it. When his son finds a way to take them to a world without magic, Rumplestiltskin turns him down. He has the opportunity to give up the power that’s making him cruel and evil, but he won’t.
I think the writers of Once Upon A Time keep coming back to the theme of change because we as people are forced to come back to these questions every time someone we trusted hurts us. I also think the writers, perhaps without knowing it, stumbled on part of our answer.
The motivation to change can’t be external.
Our love can’t make someone change. Blackmail or threats can’t make someone change. Not really. Any appearance of change will only be temporary.
I believe in second chances. I believe that people can change. But they have to want it. For their own sake. Outside forces might act as a catalyst, but the desire to change has to rise from within us.
Rumplestiltskin claims he’d be willing to change, but when it comes down to it, his heart still values his power more than his loved ones. Yet each time he walks into an episode, I’m rooting for him to find redemption almost as hard as I’m rooting for Regina to get her just desserts. One of the reasons I still have hope for him is that we see this balance shifting. We see the struggle happening within his heart. He’s passed up every chance he’s been given so far, but some people are more stubborn than others. It takes more for them to decide to change, and it’s dangerous to give up on people too soon.
As part of his backstory, we see that, even once he loses his son through his own cowardice, Rumplestiltskin refuses to accept it. He blames the Blue Fairy for stealing his son. When he thinks his son has finally returned to his life, though, it forces him to face how it was truly his choice that separated them. He’s the one who needs forgiveness.
True and lasting change involves not only desire but also taking responsibility for how our own decisions brought us to the point we’re at.
Even with those two lampposts, the path to change is long and windy and often unclear.
Since I don’t have all the answers, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments. What helps you decide if someone has truly changed? How many chances do you give before drawing the line in the sand?
May 07, 2012 @ 08:57:11
I think “encouraging” someone to change can be a tricky thing. You are right, people have to want to change for themselves and it has to be something they do. We can’t make people change, and I think the line between encourage and make can be very blurry. You can tell someone that you can’t be with them the way they/things are now and then you have to set your own limits. And once your limit has been reached you myst follow through. If you get past your limit and you stay, then you are telling the person that you don’t actually have limits and giving them an excuse not to change. Plus, you are telling yourself that you don’t have value for yourself, as a person. The most important person to keep our words to is us. I believe we need to give ourselves the chances we so often give to other people.
May 07, 2012 @ 10:59:45
That is such an important point! If we truly value ourselves and the things we say are important, then we have to stick to it. Follow through can be extremely difficult though when enforcing those boundaries is emotionally painful.
May 07, 2012 @ 08:57:37
I so agree – change has to come from an internal desire. We can’t impose it. but we can be clear about the consequences of a failure to change. great post, Marcy
May 07, 2012 @ 10:54:51
We always have to draw our own lines, don’t we. Whether or not the other person changes is out of our hands, but how we react to a lack of change is completely up to us.
May 07, 2012 @ 09:04:46
I agree, change has to come because someone WANTS it, just like quitting smoking. I do think people can truly change, but many don’t because it takes constant vigilance to keep from reverting back to your old ways. Not sure that helps any. Sometimes you just have to decide if the person is worth the risk.
May 07, 2012 @ 10:57:44
Relapses are something we always have to watch for. My husband has been trying to clean up his language for example (the talk used in the Marine Corps can be a touch salty), and most of the time he’s good now. But I notice when he gets angry, he slips. Or when he’s been around someone else who uses salty language, he’ll have a more difficult time after.
I often wonder why lasting change is so difficult.
May 07, 2012 @ 11:06:31
Great post, Marcy. And I enjoyed our exchange on Twitter about this earlier. My view is that there are levels of change. Changing behavior is one level, and on this level, I agree that a person must want to change before it can happen. Over time, what I’ve come to believe is that the person needs to ask for my help before anything I have to offer will benefit them. Or, as my horoscope said today, “The sun comes up every day without your help.” But the basic character of a person is, in my view, not changeable. I believe our basic character is gifted to us and what we need to do is to figure out how best to deploy our strengths and weaknesses to thrive in the world for ourselves and others. So in Rumplestiltskin’s case, he’s a victim and he’s chosen a rather typical victim’s path — lash out at others and try to make them less than he feels he is. Can he change his basic “victim” character? I don’t believe he can. But I do think he can change his defensive behavior and the way he evolves in the world can improve. And I soooooo agree that he must first choose that option. Good post. Very thought provoking!
May 07, 2012 @ 22:18:42
I’m in agreement. I don’t think a person’s basic character changes over life, but how we use what we’ve been given is up to us. The same person who can be unreasonably stubborn can also be determined depending on how they choose to be.
I also really think you have a point when you said that a person needs to ask for our help before anything we say will make a difference. I know my husband can say the same thing to me for weeks, but until I’m ready to hear it, it doesn’t sink in.
May 07, 2012 @ 11:36:08
Great post! I completely agree! You can’t force change on anyone. They have to want to change, and the desire must come from within. I know from experience. I couldn’t lose weight until I truly desired it and then it happened. I followed every rule because I wanted it for me and not someone else. That is the way everyone needs to feel about the change they are asked to make. They have to want to make it for themselves. If they don’t, then it won’t succeed.
May 07, 2012 @ 22:20:26
That was my experience with losing weight too! When I was in high school, I’d look at all the thin girls and imagine that if I lost weight, I’d be more popular. But the motivation was external, and I never could stick with it. Then once I reached university and wanted to be healthier for me, I stuck with it.
May 07, 2012 @ 11:36:08
I agree with Emma about setting limits. I was having a discussion recently about toxic people, and how we really shouldn’t allow them in our lives so they can hurt us, because that’s exactly what toxic people do. And if we’ve never followed through on our boundaries before, then the “other person” isn’t the only one who needs to change. In the end, we need to as well, and I think we do it for ourselves when we realize it’s the only way to make ourselves healthy. As someone who struggled with a gluten addiction for 8 years, I can say the motivation to change, even when you know it’s the right thing to do, still doesn’t come easily. It usually doesn’t come until you face a consequence you can no longer bear.
May 07, 2012 @ 22:39:08
That does seem to be the nature of change–the consequences of not changing have to outweigh the discomfort of changing. I find that change, even good change, is always uncomfortable. (That might just be my personality type, but I have a feeling that’s the case for most people.)
May 07, 2012 @ 12:17:07
Beautifully said, Marcy. Motivation to change really does need to come from the inside, and from a sincere place. Our minds may tell us we want the results of working harder, exercising more, etc., but superficial motivations seldom make the pursuit easy—if doable. We need to be honest with ourselves about our fears and desires, and ready to make changes. It seems to me that many of us stifle or avoid looking at our fears. That alone can make success impossible.
May 07, 2012 @ 22:45:43
Fear of failure is always a big one for me when it comes to making changes. If I can’t succeed, it feels like a double hit. The older I get, though, the more I’m willing to take the risk to achieve positive change. And I’ve also learned that change doesn’t always happen the first time. Sometimes we have to give it multiple tries before it sticks.
May 07, 2012 @ 12:18:38
Great post, Marci. I tend to be sympathetic to a fault. But it is so hard to balance our own ideas of who we believe a person is with who they believe themselves to be.
May 07, 2012 @ 22:52:24
I’ve been told that I tend to see the best in people (and I hope that’s true), so I sometimes get over-exuberant and want to jump in and cultivate the good I see even when the person isn’t ready or willing. I’m trying to hold that in check 🙂
May 07, 2012 @ 12:38:06
I don’t think we can make someone change–I agree that it has to come from within them. The only measure is by their actions. Depending on the situation and how it impacts our lives, we can be there to help, but not always.
May 07, 2012 @ 22:52:54
Actions really do speak louder than words 🙂
May 07, 2012 @ 15:06:43
I’m not sure if we can ever tell if another person has truly changed – just as wanting to change is an internal thing, so is the motivation for doing so, and how can we ever really know the heart of another? Especially if the person struggles with backsliding. I guess in a lot of cases, only time tells.
May 07, 2012 @ 22:55:26
I agree. I think we need to observe over time. And then trust our instincts.
May 07, 2012 @ 16:40:09
Second chances – hmmmmm? For me it depends on who the person is and what they’ve done to lose my trust. I forgive family members more quickly and often than friends. I guess you just have to feel it in your gut to know if the person is sincere in their efforts to change.
Tough question.
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
May 07, 2012 @ 22:57:15
Unfortunately, I don’t trust easily. I forgive easily, but then I feel that trust, once broken, needs to be earned back. Forgiveness is often confused with forgetting, and I think we can forgive while still being careful.
May 07, 2012 @ 19:34:45
Beautiful post. Couldn’t agree more. We have to give second chances. None of us is perfect. But when a person doesn’t change something we dislike, I think we have to ask ourselves some questions – how much does their behavior affect us, can we alter our reaction to them, and perhaps if it bothers us too much, reassess how they fit into our lives. We can love someone yet not be tied to them. Proper boundaries help with that 🙂 And a lot of times when we leave them alone, they change on their own.
May 07, 2012 @ 23:05:28
It’s amazing how much of an affect altering our reactions can have on people. In the premarital counseling my husband and I went to, I still remember the pastor telling us that wives who praise their husbands for doing something to help get more help than wives who nag their husbands about the help they aren’t getting.
May 09, 2012 @ 08:54:22
Great post, Marcy.
It definitely takes something internal for lasting change, but I think that the external is what can make someone realize the need for change, or that they CAN.
That’s why the Queen has Belle locked away (I think). She knows the profound effect she would have on Mr. Gold. In the fairy tale side of the story, I think Belle could have helped Rumple changed, given time.
Not because Belle was especially skilled in convincing Rumple to be a different man, or even the magic part, but because something made him into the coward he was. I don’t believe (for the most part) that people are born deficient. I think life happens, and it changes them, giving them unfavorable characteristics. The earlier something happens, the harder it is for them to change, because it is hard for them to imagine it is possible.
Sometimes it takes someone else believing that change is possible for someone else to make it happen.
Ahhh…this is what happens when i comment pre-coffee. 🙂
May 09, 2012 @ 09:12:12
If what happens when you comment pre-coffee is that I get a great comment like that, I want you to always comment pre-coffee 🙂
I agree that, aside from perhaps serial killers, people aren’t born deficient. But I think we’re all born with certain personality traits that could go either direction depending on the life events we later face. Every good quality has a bad doppleganger and vice versa.
And I definitely think we can all use a little help and someone to believe in us. We can’t always see our own potential. Things might have turned out differently for Rumplestiltskin if he’d been able to keep either his son or Belle with him longer (but of course that wouldn’t have made for as good a story). In the end, though, it was always going to be about whether or not he wanted it. I’m really hoping we see that change come for him.
May 09, 2012 @ 13:48:53
I think sacrifice creates a vaccuum and therefore, to change “for somebody” is madness. It will never last.
However, if you want to change for yourself…that’s a beautiful thing. You will care enough to weather the difficult journey.
This is where grace enters the equation, and second chances should be given (and earned).
Ooooh, I feel a post coming on…
May 09, 2012 @ 20:08:55
It is impossible for someone to change unless they themselves are willing to change. Actions speak louder than words, yes? So it is we ourselves that have to recognize the need to change, then through our actions will that person then be able to make the decision to accept that change and forgive. 🙂
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May 10, 2012 @ 03:36:15
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May 11, 2012 @ 23:21:43
“The motivation to change can’t be external.”
Couldn’t have said it better myself! But it’s so hard to stand by & watch someone else making a decision we “know” is wrong. We want to “help” so badly, sometimes our enthusiasm turns us into a bossy-pants.
As for how many chances you give someone? I suppose it really depends on the person & the circumstance, on a case by case basis. I don’t think there can truly be a black & white ruling that covers all situations. Plus, there are some actions that might be deemed “unforgivable” by one person, yet forgivable with time & love by another. And what you think one day might change through years of experience. And what you might not forgive in one person, you might find is worth extending a second chance in another.
Andi-Roo /// @theworld4realz
http://www.theworld4realz.com/
theworldforrealz@gmail.com