Do Bullies Sometimes Win?
We all fall into one of two groups—those who were bullies and those who were bullied.
In Snow White and the Huntsman, the evil Queen Ravenna (Charlize Theron) is the ultimate bully. She sucks all beauty from the world around her, not just from the women whose youth she steals. The once-lush countryside withers, and under her rule, people forget what it means to be good and kind and happy.
She gets pleasure from seeing other people suffer. “Do you hear that?” she asks. “It’s the sound of battles fought and lives lost. It once pained me to know that I am the cause of such despair. But now their cries give me strength.”
One of the Duke’s resistance fighters returns to the Duke (the faithful friend of Snow White’s father, the king, when he was alive) with the tale of how the fighter’s son stabbed Queen Ravenna in the gut and she didn’t even bleed. She killed him with just a touch. No one can stop her. No one can beat her.
Or at least that’s what she wants everyone to think. It’s what all bullies want, because they know that bullies only win if we let them.
For all the one-dimensionality of the Snow White character, and despite Kristen Stewart’s acting, Snow White got that one thing right.
The evil Queen can be killed. She can be stopped. But they won’t do it by hiding from her.
And neither will we.
When my husband was in high school, he was the scrawny, nerdy kid. (He didn’t fill out until he was deployed to Iraq.) In high school, he weighed no more than 125 pounds, and was regularly shoved around and intimidated by a guy at least 30 pounds heavier and four inches taller. And he took it—until one day he didn’t.
One day, he punched his bully in the face. No one bullied him again.
I’m not saying the right solution is always to physically punch your bully any more than the right solution is for us to all draw swords and storm a castle, but there are many ways to stand up and say “Enough!”
Bullies lose when we don’t let them change us. Last week, August McLaughlin interviewed ESPN executive Keri Potts, who was brutally assaulted and nearly raped by a bully of the worst kind while traveling alone in Italy. After the attack, she thought she’d never enjoy traveling alone again. She did it anyway, and kept doing it until her joy came back. Her father said, “That’s my girl. Don’t ever let somebody change you. Because that’s what you love to do.”
Bullies lose when we refuse to let them hide their bullying. When you report your abuser, when you testify against the person who attacked you, when you tell your story about what happened behind closed doors or in the shadows, you’re helping to make sure they can’t hurt someone else in the future. You’re standing as a shield between the bully and their next victim. You’re giving someone else the courage to stand up and say, “No, that’s not alright.” You win, and the bully loses.
Bullies lose when we stop making excuses for them. “She had an unhappy childhood, so she doesn’t realize how much her words hurt other people.” “He hits me because I’m disrespectful.” “He bullies other children because his parents tell him he’s worthless and he needs to feel better about himself.” There might be good reasons why a person is a bully, and it’s important for us to try to understand those reasons.
Having a reason for something, though, doesn’t mean we excuse their actions. When we excuse them, we enable them to keep being a bully. Excusing their actions is the same as saying what they did isn’t wrong because of some other factor. Until we’re willing to say “This is wrong, regardless of the reason for it,” the bullying will never stop and the bully will never have to face the consequences of their actions.
Bullies never have to win. They only win when we stop fighting.
Have you faced a bully before? How did you handle it? Do you agree that bullies only win when we let them?
If you’re looking for a more traditional review of Snow White and the Huntsman, some of my blogger friends have done an amazing job:
Melinda VanLone (my opinion is closest to Melinda’s)
Jillian Dodd’s daughter, Kenzie Dodd
And my co-writer Lisa Hall-Wilson asks “Is Snow White a Leader or a Hero?”
Update: I had to add in this hilarious review by Kait Nolan on The 10 Most Mockable Moments in Snow White and the Huntsman.
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Jun 11, 2012 @ 08:18:33
This movie is on my to-be-viewed list. I’ve considered venturing to the theatre, but don’t know if I can ignore the obscene movie prices…lol. Most likely, I’ll wait until NetFlix offeres it.
I appreciate your honest assessment of the acting.
Bullies. Sigh. I think everyone has encountered them. I grew up in an Irish Catholic neighborhood – with a family that was conspicuously not Irish! The culture differences were many. Dried fish in the kitchen? Noodle making day? Large family gatherings involving meat spits? Figs and cheese and smelly purple olives in the lunchbox? Oy! Not a recipe for fast friendships…lol. But honestly, those experiences built character. Your post hits the nail on the head. Remaining true to yourself despite the rough circumstance is real victory over meanness, hatred, and bullying.
In the end, those individuals are long gone from my life, but my family remains. We’re still a large group…loud, tactile, at times obnoxious. But we’ve got one another to laugh away troubles. Is anything sweeter?
Have a wonderful week, Marcy!
Jun 11, 2012 @ 13:26:44
You won precisely by staying true to yourself and knowing that the important people in your life were your family. Bullies come and go, but the people who love us (both friends and family) are the ones who will be there through it all 🙂
I hope you have a wonderful week too!
Jun 11, 2012 @ 08:33:40
I see Stewart’s acting turned out as expected, lol. We still haven’t seen the movie, but I plan to.
Bullying is a scary thing, especially for a parent. I don’t remember it being as prevalent when we were kids, but maybe I’m just in denial. Just seems like kids are meaner today, with more means of hurting others.
Our elementary school takes it very serious and has campaign against bullying. I’m hoping Grace doesn’t encounter it in any form.
Great post.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 12:58:36
Unfortunately so 🙂 I’ve heard from a lot of people who thought KS did a fabulous job, but I don’t agree. Even if another actress had been cast in the role though, I’m not sure it could have salvaged the other problems with the movie’s plot and world-building.
Perhaps I’m naive or in denial too, but I also thinks kids have gotten meaner/rougher today than they were when we were younger. I was bullied during my first year of high school, but I never saw the extreme bullying that I now hear about happening from my friends who are teachers and via the anti-bullying writing contest I helped judge. Choice of schools is more important than ever for parents.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 08:37:44
I was bullied as a kid but never told anyone because I was terrified it would get worse. today, not so much. but then I’m pretty direct and honest so people know I’ll respond.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 13:24:52
I think that fear stops a lot of kids. It’s why adults who work with kids need to stand up to the bullies by making sure the kids who are being bullied know it’s safe to come and talk to them, that they will be believed, and that we will do something to help them.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 09:00:53
I’m surprised to see you jump on this band-wagon knowing how much you disliked the movie.
Ravenna, to me, wasn’t a bully – she was a tyrant. And though the argument can be made that all tyrants are bullies to some degree, simply standing up to be slaughtered wasn’t the answer here, and it’s often not the wisest answer with real bullies either.
Unless you can physically or socially back up your stand against a bully, facing them like that only escalates the conflict and unfortunately society is usually on the side of the bully until the victim does something rash to fight back, or commits suicide. IMHO
Jun 11, 2012 @ 13:07:14
I loved this theme in the movie even though I wasn’t impressed by the writing.
At it’s most basic, a bully is just someone who makes a pattern of intimidating or in some way “pushing around” another person. They can be the kid on a school ground or Hitler. A tyrant is simply a bully in a position of authority.
One of the points I tried to make is that there are different ways to stand up to a bully. Sometimes you can’t physically or verbally fight back. But you can keep them from changing who you are and you can later tell your story. Both of those defeat the bully too.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 09:04:28
Such an important post! I’m so glad you gave other ways to stand up to bullies besides just stricking back. I do think it’s important to remember, though, especially with children, that bullies only behave that way because they don’t like themselves. When we are honest with them about that they lose some of their power as a bully. There was a child who was bullying another child I worked with. When I told the bully that when he is mean to other people he is telling all of us that he doesn’t like himself, he actually thought about it. Bullies think their self loathing is a big secret, so when we tell them the truth, they know they can’t hide.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 13:10:47
How we stand up to bullies really depends on the situation, and I thought it was very important to point that out.
You did a wonderful thing, and hopefully helped that boy change so that he won’t be a bully in the future. I feel a lot of pity for bullies (it’s that whole “understanding the reasons without making excuses” thing). They’ve chosen a very sad way to live. If more teachers would take the initiative the way you did, we might see less bullying happening.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 09:19:12
When my daughter was being bullied in the 6th grade, my best tactic was to try to convince her the abuse really had nothing to do with her–my daughter, that is. Bullies will always find someone to pick on, but their meanness comes from within. In other words, it wasn’t anything my daughter had DONE or NOT DONE to invite the bully to pick on her. I coached her through how to withhold power from her abuser by detaching her emotional response–mostly fear and hurt feelings but there’s also a kind of shock you feel that someone would be that cruel. I was only partially successful in this because bullies seem to know just how to find our weakest point and exploit it.
In the movie, Snow White spends a great deal of time with tears in her eyes, but in the final battle with Ravenna she is steely-eyed and purposeful. She has learned to detach her emotions and get on with it. Maybe easier in the movies than real life.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 13:14:44
I’m sorry your daughter is going through that. That’s a lot like what I experienced in grade 9 (I think that’s freshman year of high school in the US). The popular kids decided I was a great target, and seemed to know exactly what to say to hurt me. I took the tactic that you’ve told your daughter to take. I didn’t let them see how they got to me, and I chose to be me, to be kind to them. It took an entire year, but eventually things did change. Two of the popular kids decided I was “sweet” and there seemed to be an unspoken rule for the rest of high school that I wasn’t to be teased or bullied in any way. (I only found this out years later when I met one of the popular girls once we were adults.) It’s never an easy thing to go through though.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 10:43:38
Hmmm Tyrant vs Bully. Perhaps a Tyrant is simply a bully with more power? So it takes more power to overcome them. But it’s not impossible, I like to think. Even the big bullies/tyrants in real life have been overcome, eventually. Yes, with loss of life and high stakes and ultimate sacrifice and effort. But…still, they fall. They are not invincible. They just want you to think they are.
On a personal level, I don’t remember really being bullied other than in 4th grade when the local gang (all girls, go figure) would come over from the middle school and terrorize us younger kids as school let out. My brother had to come walk me home so I would make it safely, and then of course my parents moved so I didn’t have to face that. At that age, I could not really have fought back face-to-face, so I had to have a body guard. Which is, I suppose, one way to attack the problem.
I think I’ve been bullied more at work, as an adult, than I ever was as a kid because those kids who were bullies don’t really change when they grow up. They just move on to a new place and start treating people like crap. Usually they are your boss, because in our society we’d rather promote the trouble maker so they are someone else’s problem, instead of correct their behavior. Go figure.
Or maybe it was just the places I worked lol
Jun 11, 2012 @ 13:22:33
I put this in my reply to Lisa, but a tyrant really is simply a bully in a position of authority.
It sounds to me like you did fight back by telling your family so that your brother could watch out for you 🙂
Sadly the kids who are bullies often do grow up to be the adults who are bullies. Bullying isn’t confined to the school yard.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 11:03:29
Maybe I’m old or jaded or just plain cruel, but I see bullying vastly different than presented here. I think bullying is a BS word. Everyone hurts and abuses and uses other people. Some more than others, some less, some actively try, some try very had to avoid it. At the end of the day, I believe we have all “bullied” other people. Yes, growing up someone who would rather read a book than work on a car, or having gay/bi friends in Wyoming…yep, I had plenty of conflict. I know I hurt people growing up too though.
Anyways, I’m very curious about something. People seem to bash Kristin Steward a lot on a few of the writing blogs I follow, and I’m noticing some trends. The people that don’t like her, is it because of the Twilight series, or do people think she did a bad job in Runaways too? I get the impression it’s the same issue people had with Leonardo DeCaprio and Ryan Philipe (probably butchered his name).
Jun 11, 2012 @ 12:53:33
Austin, I so appreciate your comments because they make me think.
I would agree that most of us at some point have bullied someone else, either intentionally or unintentionally. I was a bully for two weeks in grade seven when the “cool girls” decided I was pretty and they wanted me as part of their group. But I didn’t like what I had to do to be friends with them so I walked away (and turned into the one bullied). But I also believe that we only become bullies (as a personal definition rather than an isolated act) when it’s an intentional pattern. Everyone’s definition will probably be a little different.
For Kristen Stewart, I can’t explain why everyone doesn’t like her, but for me it’s almost entirely based on her performance in Snow White and the Huntsman. I didn’t watch the Twilight movies (I tried but wasn’t drawn in by the storyline). I also haven’t seen Runaways. I did see her in Panic Room and wasn’t thrilled by her performance there either. As an actress, I find her one-dimensional, without the ability to show the necessary range of emotions in a believable way, and it didn’t help that her part in this movie was largely running and staring in open-mouthed awe. When she gave her motivational speech to rally the troops, I found she came across as frantic and screamy, rather than confident and passionate (which is what a leader needs to be). I also know people who thought she did a great job. I’d like to see her have to play a really different role in a movie to see what that might bring out of her.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 14:11:25
Glad to know I’m returning the favor. Even if I don’t agree with what you’ve said, I enjoy reading your blog largely because it makes me think about issues from another angle.
Here’s hoping she gets a few roles with more range.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 12:45:59
Fantastic insight here, Marcy. This should go on t-shirts, bumper stickers and classroom walls: “Bullies never have to win. They only win when we stop fighting.”
Your note about Keri’s story gave me chills. I can’t wait to share this with her. Thanks for the support!
Jun 11, 2012 @ 13:18:27
It was my pleasure. I found Keri’s story to be such an inspiration.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 16:28:35
Interesting post. I haven’t seen the movie yet (but want to, so appreciate your review) and I actually can’t think of a time that I’ve been bullied (but homeschooling helps with that). I do like your analysis of how to stop bullying, though. Thanks.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 19:23:57
Thanks for stopping by. Homeschooling would help in that sense. My best friend home schools because she didn’t want her children to have to deal with some of what goes on at the public school her kids would need to go to.
As much as I was disappointed by this movie, I think it’s worth a watch if you have free tickets or when it comes out on DVD.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 21:49:45
I still want to watch this movie but there are so many ahead of it that it will definitely be a rental. 🙂
Jun 11, 2012 @ 21:52:03
Hi Marcy!
Snow White surrently is at the top of my movie list. However, I don’t like knowing much about a movie before I view it. I usually only watch a preview or 2, and if I want to see it, I won’t watch any other previews. Therefore, I couldn’t read all of your post! It probably seems weird, I know.
When you see the Batman movie before I do, I won’t be able read your Batman posts until I’ve seen that movie. That will be disappointing because I know you’ll have thought provoking posts on that movie as you have on many of your film posts. I’ll have to come back & read all these posts after I watch the films! 🙂
By the way, what is the Canadian price to see a film?
Monique
Jun 11, 2012 @ 22:00:02
Hehe. I completely understand even though I’m the opposite. I’m one of those people who’ll start reading a book, and if I really like it, I’ll flip to the end and read it before going back to finish the book 🙂
Tickets are around $9.99 in my town, but I know that in bigger cities the prices can be higher. I can still remember a time when I was younger when the local theater had two-dollar Tuesdays. It’s hard to believe how much prices have gone up since then.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 22:36:30
I love hearing stories like your husband’s because I always want bullies to learn they can’t keep bullying people. I never thought of the Evil Queen in a bullying way, but I guess that’s what all bad guys/antagonists are.
By the way, you and I are totally the same with books! Kindle books drive me nuts because then I have to remember what percent I was at when I scroll back to read after checking out the ending. I also like to know my birthday and Christmas gifts ahead of time. For me, the anticipation of getting the gift is way more exciting than waiting for the unknown. I’m a freak, I know.
Thanks for the movie review shout out! I was trying to think who I would’ve wanted in the Snow White role instead of Kristen Stewart, well anyone really, but what actress do you think would’ve made a more kickass heroine? Maybe that girl from Sucker Punch.
Jun 12, 2012 @ 00:19:31
This is such an important topic! It seems bullying never gets old or goes away, and it often gets passed of as ‘just’ a rite of childhood, I know it did in my case. I was the kid the entire school threw food at one day. I never had the guts to stand up to those who bullied me. Maybe that means they didn’t push me hard enough or to the breaking point, but more likely it was just that I didn’t know how to fight back. I was the introspective nerd, and I mostly learned how to just stay out of the way in school. Oddly though, I belonged to a youth group that was made up of no one from my school, it was like a whole new beginning and in that group I was, incredibly, one of the popular kids. It was a weird dichotomy…in school, I still got teased and picked on, but with this other group of friends I had an active social life. It’s funny though, today when I tell people how picked-on I was, they find it very hard to believe. Funny because, while I can be very passionate about defending something I love or believe in, I still have a very hard time defending myself. It’s still easier for me to just walk away, but at this point in my life, it’s not because they’ve ground me down, but rather because I know they’re not worth any extra effort on my part.
Jun 12, 2012 @ 00:25:56
Now that you point it out, there is definitely a sort of “David vs. Goliath” theme to SWATH. Your insight about bullying really strikes a chord in me, since I spent most of elementary and junior high bullied by other kids. It wasn’t until adulthood that I realized that I could have (and should have) fought back against them, instead of trying to ignore things and move on.
As someone who shares your overall opinion of the movie, I’m glad to see that you could find a redeeming element to it. 😀
Jun 13, 2012 @ 03:48:42
Still waiting on the movie to get here (and my wind up having to rent it because they don’t know if they will actually get it). For the record, in my small town, we never pay more than $3.00 for a matinee, and $4.00 for anything that starts after 6 p.m. I love this theater. 🙂
Yes, I’ve come across bullies from time-to-time. I think everyone who works in the DMV/SOS is a bully. LOL…okay, I’m exaggerating about them.
The worst have been ‘normal’ kids who like to bully my ‘not normal’ son (autistic). Whether they have a reason or not doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care. I WILL put a stop to it, and promised the vice-principal at school that I would file child endangerment charges against everyone involved…including him if he didn’t put a stop to it. The bullying stopped immediately.
So yes, always fight back. They will back down when you stand up to them. Which is good because I might have wound up in jail if it hadn’t. 🙂
Jun 14, 2012 @ 06:51:43
Marcy, I love this post. I’ve wanted to see this movie and thought you were going to do a straight review, but you’ve given so much more. I get riled at the thought of all the bullies in the world who have beat somebody down. I’d like to think that things are changing for young people. I hope so. I hope I write something that gives somebody strength.