Megamind: Is Praise More Powerful than Criticism?
By Marcy Kennedy (@MarcyKennedy)
There’s an old joke that women marry men expecting they can change them, and men marry women thinking they’ll never change. Both end up disappointed.
Change is a tricky subject. How do we know if someone has truly changed? And how many times should we give a “second” chance? Should we even bother trying to help someone change?
Here’s the conclusion I’ve come to: We can’t change anyone, but we can be the catalyst for them wanting to change. (Click here to tweet this.)
This is exactly what happened to Megamind.
Megamind is a blue-headed alien who lands on earth as a baby after his planet is destroyed. Megamind crashes in a prison and is raised by criminals, while his nemesis (another alien baby sent from a different planet in the same destroyed galaxy) grows up in a wealthy home.
“No matter how hard I tried,” Megamind says about his school years, “I was always the odd man out. The screw-up. The black sheep. The bad boy.”
Even when he tries to do nice things for the other children, it backfires and he ends up in the corner. He decides that being bad is the one thing he’s good at.
He becomes a super-villain, and his nemesis becomes a superhero named Metro Man.
After years of battling each other, and completely by accident, Megamind manages to kill Metro Man. He takes over the city, and then…he’s bored. Without anyone to oppose him, where’s the fun in being a super-villain?
He comes up with a plan to give Metro Man’s powers to someone else and create a new hero to battle. In the process, reporter Roxanne Ritchie mistakes him for a museum curator named Bernard (thanks to a watch Megamind wears that allows him to disguise his appearance).
Roxanne and “Bernard” fall in love. As Bernard, Megamind gets told how inspiring he is, how strong and brave and funny.
Throughout his life, people lectured him about how bad he was and how he needed to change.
But he never had a chance to learn the rewards of good actions.
By loving him and showing him what life could be like if he changed, Roxanne gave Megamind the push he needed to want something different.
Megamind starts to clean up the city because he knows it will make Roxanne happy. He returns the works of art he stole. When the hero Megamind creates turns evil, Megamind finally steps up to stop him and becomes the hero himself.
Sometimes we don’t change because of the consequences of our actions. We change because we finally realize what we’re missing, and we want it more than we want to avoid the pain and struggle of changing.
I’ve been around Great Danes since I was seven years old. Danes are gluttons for attention, especially as puppies, which means that if you scold them for a bad behavior—giving them attention—they’re going to repeat that behavior any time they want your attention. If a bad behavior earns a reaction, it becomes a game for them.
So when you’re raising a Dane puppy, you have to do something that seems counterintuitive to most people. You ignore all bad behavior. No punishment. If they jump on you, you stand still, cross your arms, and turn your face away. If they chew something they shouldn’t, you distract them and hide the chewed object.
And you praise the stuffing out of them for the smallest good behavior.
Doing this hasn’t failed yet to turn out a well-behaved dog.
Dogs are very different from spouses, but perhaps the same principle applies.
What if, instead of griping and lecturing and criticizing our spouse for the things they do that we don’t like, we gave them praise and affection whenever they did something right?
Maybe you’re all better at the marriage thing than I am yet, but I know I tend to take the things my husband does right for granted. Why should I have to thank him, hug him, or praise him for doing something around the house? Isn’t that just what he’s supposed to do? So what happens is, more often than I want to admit, he only hears the negative.
Perhaps the power of praise to bring about change is highly underestimated.
Have you ever consciously or unconsciously changed your actions because of positive feedback? Parents, do you find this idea works with your children? Couples, does this work with your significant other?
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Aug 20, 2012 @ 12:57:26
My dad has a saying: “Men chase the women until the women catch them.”
Yesterday, my Chinese Crested Powder Puff chewed the corner of the stair. Unfortunately, I can’t hide the stairs. Whenever I say “Indy! What did you do?” He tucks his tail between his legs and hides. Maybe I am rewarding his bad behaviour but it seems to work.
Enjoyed your post
Aug 20, 2012 @ 14:36:55
Sounds like Chinese Crested Powder Puff have a different reaction to reprimands 🙂 I’ve noticed that Danes have an extremely mischievous streak. When my previous Dane was a puppy, she’d wait until I started to practice my flute and then she’d go steal socks out of the laundry basket to chew on because she figured out I couldn’t hear her as well then.
Aug 20, 2012 @ 13:49:07
This is basic behaviorism–which is what makes it so powerful! It has been scientifically established that praise/reward is more powerful than punishment, because praise reward can both increase positive behavior and decrease undesirable behavior, while punishment can only decrease undesirable behavior.
In other words, fabulous post! (Also, I love Megamind!)
Aug 20, 2012 @ 20:07:29
Thanks! I know I’m definitely more motivated by praise, but that’s because I’m a pleaser by nature.
Aug 20, 2012 @ 14:37:21
I always try to thank my husband for doing things he would normally do (cooking, mostly, and laundry when I’m really lucky ;P), and I try to use positive reinforcement with my dogs too, although it can be hard when they’ve just chewed through *another* comforter.
I knew a kid who was always told when he was younger that he wasn’t smart enough, and he ended up failing Kindergarden. I didn’t even know it was possible to fail Kindergarden, but that kid had been told so often that he was a screw-up that he became the screw-up he was supposed to be according to everyone else :/
Aug 20, 2012 @ 20:34:44
Great example 🙂 I think we really do live up or down to what we’re told. If we hear about our flaws long enough, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because we figure it must be true if everyone keeps saying it. Hmm…maybe that’s why I’m always running late…
Aug 20, 2012 @ 15:00:18
Awesome post as usual, Marcy. I immediately thought of my daughter when I was reading this. Because she’s our only, she’s completely spoiled by everyone. She’s constantly been the center of attention, and bad behavior has been rewarded at times. It’s gotten worse in the last year with me devoting so much time to writing – I realized I’ve got to be really careful. No arguing, no freak-outs at her sneaking around doing something. It’s got to be a simple address of the problem and then move on.
I loved your info about Great Danes – had no idea they were like that!
Aug 20, 2012 @ 20:38:04
Danes are wonderful dogs, but they do come with challenges because they’re so big and so smart 🙂
Simply addressing the problem and then moving on sounds like really great parenting advice. I’ve filed it away in my memory for the future. We also currently plan to only have one.
Aug 20, 2012 @ 15:09:11
I think positive feedback SHOULD be more powerful than criticism. But often, the negative stands out in huge neon lights, making it tough to see, much less enjoy, the good stuff. For me, it depends on the type of feedback, how negative/positive it is, the source, and let’s be honest—where I’m at hormone and sleep-wise. 😉
A few times I’ve read feedback late at night, only to feel wounded the negativity. The next morning, with fresh eyes, I usually see that it was actually overall pretty positive. I’ve also found that the more confident I become, the less sensitive I am to feedback. I keep things in better stride.
When I receive positive thoughts from someone very honest and trustworthy, it inspires me to do more and keep striving. Criticism helps me grow, too, when it’s thoughtful and spot on.
Aug 20, 2012 @ 20:55:26
Somehow my reply to you ended up at the bottom of the page. Silly technology!
Aug 20, 2012 @ 16:11:11
I totally agree, but I’m not sure it’s so easy. Sometimes people, even children, take what we say with a grain of salt, or with derision or whatever…, It’s interesting to watch my granddaughters evolve and develop and see the personalities developing, along with their attitudes and beliefs.
Fascinating. another good post, Marcy
Aug 20, 2012 @ 21:01:29
True enough about personality. Even when I look at my relatives or my closest friends, I can see how their personalities interact with how they interpret or accept both praise and criticism.
Aug 20, 2012 @ 17:01:38
Very interesting. I didn’t know that dog breeds require so different approaches. It’s so much easier for me to find issues and nag than praise and often I annoy even myself. I’m consciously trying to do better with the kids but I need to pick up the same approach with my husband too.
Aug 20, 2012 @ 20:58:13
My poor husband, I think I’m much harder on him than I am on most people. I’m definitely a work-in-progress 🙂
Aug 20, 2012 @ 20:14:22
I’ve heard it said that it takes 20 positive messages to erase one negative one. I have to believe it’s true, because I know I tend to remember that one negative comment a LOT longer than any positive one. But after awhile, if you hear enough positive, they do sink in. If we all focused on leaving positive messages everywhere we went, maybe it would all add up and then we wouldn’t have to let the snarky jerks rule the world. Hmmm…not sure how I got to that conclusion lol. But I like it.
So, positive message for Marcy: Awesome post! I love how you use a modern movie/story and show us the message underneath. 🙂
Aug 20, 2012 @ 20:59:57
I hadn’t heard that before, but it sounds right to me. The negative things are the ones that seem to stick in our heads long after we should have forgotten them. I wonder if it has anything to do with the strength of the emotion attached to them? When we hear something negative, it hurts, and we remember that. The positive feelings from praise maybe aren’t as strong?
We need to lead the battle charge against trolls and snarky jerks!
And thanks!
Aug 20, 2012 @ 20:27:02
Such a great post! As a teacher, you learn early on that “Praise and Ignore” is one of the best tactics to use with children seeking attention. If they see that they will get attention from doing the model behavior, you will see more of that. I would guess that the same can be somewhat true for adults, but they are more developed and habits are much more set than children. Plus, I don’t like the thought of going into a relationship looking to change the other person. I believe in accepting the person as they are or moving on. I have seen far too many amazing women date guys that were lightyears behind them emotionally and try to change them. In the end, they both ended up miserable. But, I definitely think that praise makes people want to work harder. I know that as a teacher, I worked harder for the principals who recognized my hard work. That saying “You get more bees with honey” is really true.
Aug 20, 2012 @ 20:32:53
I love hearing that it works with children! For spouses, I was thinking more along the lines of minor cosmetics–dirty clothes left on the floor or changing the toilet paper roll when it’s empty come to mind. Those aren’t deal-breakers when it comes to someone you marry, but believe me, when you’re the only one who EVER changes the toilet paper, you really start to want to see your husband change that one little thing 🙂
Aug 20, 2012 @ 20:54:24
Because I’m so hard on myself, I also tend to be the kind of person who’ll hear the single negative and completely miss the three positives, especially if I’m already tired or emotional.
I think we need to coin a new term for constructive feedback that helps us improve upon our weaknesses. Criticism comes with too strong a negative connotation.
Aug 20, 2012 @ 20:54:59
Hmm, not sure how my reply to August ended up down here.
Aug 20, 2012 @ 22:55:12
You are so right about the husband thing. I tell my husband thank you every time I see him doing a chore that I haven’t asked him to do. Now, he vacuums several times a week without so much as a blink from me. He just knows I appreciate it because I tell him so.
Unfortunately if I cross my arms and turn my back on him, like you do your Dane, he gets really, REALLY, pissed off. So some of the tactics work and others don’t.
Great post!
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
Aug 20, 2012 @ 22:58:10
Haha. Yes, the quickest way to tick my husband off is to refuse to talk to him too 🙂 Though it can be effective at times 😉
Aug 21, 2012 @ 00:23:22
Love this, Marcy! I also found that I took for granted some of the little things my husband does. I remind myself to thank him, because I like it when he thanks me for things I do. Positive feedback with kids is key, too (no matter what their ages).
Aug 21, 2012 @ 00:49:13
As a newlywed myself, I find the dynamic of the relationship quite a challenge. I’ve learned very quickly that if something he does bugs me, I need to make it clear to him. Recently we moved and I was feeling extremely taken for granted. I make an effort as often as possible to thank him, tell him how wonderful he is and how much I appreciate all he does. The first six months of our relationship I know he thought similarly to you when I would thank him for doing simple things like holding open a door or cooking dinner. After almost two years he’s finally starting to understand. From the beginning of our relationship I’ve know I would end up being the dominant leader in our relationship and would need to lead by example. Unfortunately, being a catalyst is a very slow process. lol Great post!
Aug 21, 2012 @ 01:53:51
I never knew that about Danes and I used to have one. That explains a lot. LOL. Your post mirrors the advice my kid’s doctor is always giving. Positive reinforcement! It works wonders. 🙂
Aug 21, 2012 @ 05:36:27
Love the post, Marcy. And I think you’re right…for most situations. But there are just some people who take gratitude as their due,and just never change. Not sure what to do about that, but for the majority, praise is definitely the better choice. 🙂
Aug 21, 2012 @ 14:58:40
I had zero expectations of changing my husband when we got married, and I’m sure that’s part of how we’ve managed to put up with each other for 18 years. He does have his share of irritating habits (as I’m sure I do), and you’re right – it’s much more effective to say “thanks” when he does pick up his clothes than to nag. Although he’s also learned that if the clothes aren’t in the hamper, they don’t get washed. Maybe that’s a more subtle way of nagging, but it’s worked. 😀
Aug 24, 2012 @ 05:52:24
I’ve had this happen a lot at work. Things that I didn’t even know were good got praised, so I started doing them more. 🙂