Do You Love Yourself Too Much? The Story of Narcissus
By Marcy Kennedy (@MarcyKennedy)
Maybe we need to focus less on loving ourselves and more on loving others.
In Greek mythology, Narcissus was the son of a river god and a nymph. When Narcissus was young, a blind soothsayer prophesied Narcissus “would live to an old age if he did not look at himself.”
The soothsayer based his prediction on Narcissus’ beauty. All the women he met, human and nymph, fell in love with him. And he rejected them all, feeling he was better than any who sought him.
After his pride and cruel treatment broke the heart of the nymph Echo, Nemesis (the goddess of revenge) tricked him into looking down at a pool of water. Narcissus fell hopelessly in love with his reflection.
In one version, Narcissus fell into the water and drowned while trying to embrace his reflection. In another, he couldn’t bear to leave his reflection and finally starved to death.
Pride and excessive self-love killed him.
Narcissus’ story gives us the name for narcissistic personality disorder. A narcissist is preoccupied with himself and has a sense of self-importance that’s out of kilter with reality. You can see why psychologists chose Narcissus to give the disorder its name.
While most of us aren’t narcissists, we can still fall into the trap of being too absorbed with ourselves and too enamored with our own strengths.
And the longer we look only at ourselves, the more in love we fall with our own virtues. The more in love we fall with our own virtues, the easier it is to look down on other people and get angry when someone suggests we might have room to improve.
Amber West talked about this phenomenon in her thoughtful post on Confidence versus Doubt: Becoming a Better You. “People don’t try to be better,” she wrote, “they just become self-involved. Why look externally if what’s internal is so amazing?” She concluded that it’s not enough to “just be you.” We all need to work toward being “the best you.”
In many ways, our society now values self-esteem over self-improvement. We don’t want anyone to feel like they’re imperfect, as if the knowledge of imperfection will destroy us.
But the opposite is true. When we start focusing on how great we already are, when we’re afraid of offending anyone by telling them they need to change, we stop growing.
I believe in the value of accepting ourselves for who we are and finding people who love us for who we are. I was born with a personality that won’t change, and I developed likes and dislikes that are at the core of my personality and make me happy. I’m learning to be comfortable in my own skin. But I also have weaknesses and faults and bad traits I need to fix. I’m far from perfect, and I will never be perfect. If I start to think I’m perfect, that I have all the answers, I risk becoming mean, critical, and self-righteous.
Recently, I was on the receiving end of a “perfect” person’s well-meaning opinions. I tried to shrug it off, but the comments still stung days later. It reminded me how much I don’t want to be that person, and I started thinking about what I could do to protect myself, and by extension, protect everyone around me from me.
When I look at someone else, instead of looking at the areas where they’ve failed or picking on them to make myself feel better (writers are particularly at risk for criticizing successful authors), I’m going to look at what I can learn from them. I’m going to look for their strengths.
Instead of focusing on myself, I’m going to figure out ways I can make someone else’s life a little better.
And when I’m tempted to look at someone else and judge them, I’m going to remember that everything looks easier from the outside.
“Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection—or compassionate action.” ― Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships
Do you think our society is becoming too focused on self-esteem and not focused enough on improving ourselves? How can we walk the balance between liking ourselves without becoming too proud?
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Image Credit: Alex Bramwell (obtained from Stock.xchng)
Sep 24, 2012 @ 12:37:11
Yes, for sure we can be too self-absorbed as a society, and that can lead to a lack of compassion for our fellow humans. I tend to be way too hard on myself, but I’m learning to see my flaws AND strengths just like I try to see both in others. I love how you’re focusing on seeing the strengths in others and on not acting like that friend with the not so kind words. Those folks seem to create a lot of wreckage wherever they go, you know?
Sep 24, 2012 @ 12:51:18
I find it so interesting how naturally we as humans flip-flop between the extremes of loving ourselves too much and being too hard on ourselves. It’s like we’re trying to find the sweet spot on a teeter totter where we can keep it level.
Because I’ve been hurt by someone who doesn’t stop to consider the different situations others may be facing before giving an opinion, I want to be sure I don’t do that too, and I’m sure I have in the past without even realizing it.
Sep 24, 2012 @ 12:38:51
“We don’t want anyone to feel like they’re imperfect, as if the knowledge of imperfection will destroy us.”
I think you really exposed something that is at the root of so many of our fears. We don’t know what’s on the other side of that door (that portal into imperfection), so most of us would rather keep it locked. So enjoyed your post–thanks.
Sep 24, 2012 @ 12:55:56
I’m glad you liked it. I agree – facing our own imperfections can be frightening. What if we don’t know how to fix them? What if we REALLY don’t like what we see? But I guess it’s like anything else in life where if we don’t face our challenges, we can’t ever improve.
Sep 24, 2012 @ 12:55:45
Well said, Marcy.
I’m torn on commenting about society as a whole because we’re now exposed to so much via Internet and Television that other generations didn’t have. Have we changed, or has our exposure increased? The notable exception might be the concept that every one wins. School, soccer…
I’ve had the humbling (humiliating) experience of making a flash judgement on someone’s behavior (usually when someone is rude or angry), and later learned something tragic or horrid recently happened to them. Something as innocuous as the customer before me being rude can flip an otherwise kind person’s attitude.
I am FAR from perfect. Go ahead. Poll anyone who knows me. I TRY to live by the mantra: I own my mood. You own yours.
I can walk away not judging others, and keep the (hopefully) good mood I took into the exchange.
Sep 24, 2012 @ 13:05:54
I think the concept introduced to schools and younger sports’ teams that everyone wins is damaging. Adult life isn’t like that. University/college isn’t going to be like that. Failure teaches us lessons that make us stronger adults when we grow up. I worry about the current generation and whether they’ll have what they need to face tough situations.
I struggle the most to not make those flash judgments when my feelings have been hurt. What you said about owning our own mood is so true 🙂
Sep 24, 2012 @ 13:07:27
Hi Marcy, great thought provoking post. I must say… just a minute, there’s a spot on my mirror… shit, it’s a pimple… what? where was I? Oh yes, I think we often get too caught up in… now where did I put that zit zapper cream…
Sep 24, 2012 @ 13:08:21
Haha 😀 Thank you for starting my morning off with a laugh!
Sep 24, 2012 @ 13:11:38
This is something my husband and I kind of disagree on. He is super confident and I am well, not. But as much as I admire his esteem, I cringe at it sometimes because it comes across as not humble. And I know he’s a loving person, but it doesn’t come across that way. Oh, it is definitely a balance thing–and not easy!
Very insightful post Marcy 🙂
Sep 24, 2012 @ 13:14:48
This sounds similar to the difference between my husband and I. I’m the softer one who’s willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. I think it’s because, like you, I’m less confident. My husband is very confident and definite and has a low tolerance for “rudeness and stupidity” (his words). He’s also a very loving person who goes out of his way to help others, but sometimes he can come across in a less than flattering light to people who don’t know him well.
Sep 24, 2012 @ 14:10:48
Every time we see things as how can I make things better for me and my family versus how can I make the world a better place for all of us to live peacefully together, we create roadblocks that are hard to knock down. I’m as guilty as the next person of shifting my attention from being a person that makes the world a better place to being a person focused mainly on my own (my family’s) well-being, and I’m always looking for guidance as to how to keep more attention on the former over the latter.
I love your thoughts about stopping before you react to another person’s ugly behavior and trying to see what you can learn from that person rather than what is wrong with them. The better we understand each other, the more likely we are to have compassion and work together, not in opposition to one another.
Thank you for your insights.
(also, for some reason, my URL isn’t being accepted when I try to post this. Might be a problem on my end, but I thought I should let you know it’s telling me that it isn’t a valid URL. This is the URL I’m used and deleted: http://www.sarawalpertfoster.com)
Sep 24, 2012 @ 15:10:22
Sometimes too we have to take the time to be patient with someone multiple times. I’ve known people who were going through a rough time, and because of the kindness others showed them, they came out better people. If they’d simply been judged and left to their own devices, I don’t know what would have happened to them. Sometimes we all need a little help and compassion.
Thanks for including your URL in the message. I’m not sure why it wouldn’t allow you to put it in normally. It must have been a glitch. Technology is love-hate isn’t it? 🙂
Sep 24, 2012 @ 14:29:37
Excellent post! It’s great to have high self-esteem, but not so high that you only see other’s faults instead of your own. I’ve known a few people like that in my life, and been guilty of it before myself.
Sep 24, 2012 @ 14:55:04
A strong self-esteem is important because we need to believe in ourselves to get anything done, including improve on our flaws. But you’ve identified it exactly–when it gets too high, then we think we can do no wrong.
Sep 24, 2012 @ 14:45:33
awesome post, Marcy. there’s some business research that says we should work on developing our strengths because they can improve but fussing about our weaknesses or those of others is a waste of time. Not sure i totally agree, but I know people blossom more when I find what’s right in their lives, rather than what’s not. I also decided some time ago, that self esteem was almost like an emotion – sometimes it’s high and sometimes it’s not. I don’t seem able to control it very well. But I can control my self respect which changes and evolves in response to my behavior when contrasted with my bleiefs. that is much easier for me to handle.
Sep 24, 2012 @ 15:00:39
In the business world, I agree to a certain extent. You should be given responsibilities commensurate with your strengths and you should work on developing your strengths further. For example, an indie author is a complete business responsible for writing, editing, formatting, cover design, promotion, etc. If their strength is writing but not graphic design, then it makes sense for them to focus on the writing rather than trying to improve their ability to design their own cover. They can delegate (i.e., hire out) the graphic design work.
As human beings, though, I think we do need to focus on our weaknesses as well as our strengths. For example, a person who’s unmerciful or impatient definitely needs to improve on those things rather than just focusing on the fact that they’re smart and organized.
Sep 24, 2012 @ 14:52:55
I think I’m more the see all my faults and none of my strengths kind of girl. I hate looking in the mirror, because it never shows me the person I thought I looked like. Damn mirror. PIctures are worse. If anyone could hear the running commentary in my head they’d probably send me to a psych ward.
Thank goodness for writing! I can make a character with all the things I wish I had 🙂
I’m with you on the teaching kids that nobody ever fails thing. I’ve always thought that was a mistake. Instead of making everybody “winners” when they aren’t, how about teaching them to lose with grace and dignity and to learn from mistakes? Seems far more useful. To lose a game or a race or whatever it is, is not to lose at life. It’s a hard lesson to learn…and an important one.
Sep 24, 2012 @ 15:07:36
I hate having my picture taken too. I’m not photogenic, and I cringe when everyone raves over a picture where I think I look terrible.
I can distinctly remember a few times as a kid where I lost because I hadn’t prepared well enough. That taught me the value of working hard for my goals. I remember times when I lost and it wouldn’t have mattered how hard I’d worked in advance. Those times taught me where my personal talents were and saved me from chasing after something I never could have excelled at. We’re cheating kids when we don’t give them the chance to lose and to fail.
Sep 25, 2012 @ 03:07:30
I’m with Melinda! Well said, girl!
Sep 24, 2012 @ 18:01:55
Great post, Marcy. I think my training as a mental health therapist has literally trained my brain to look for what’s going on underneath someone’s behaviors and comments before I leap to any conclusions. While this is generally a good thing, it tends to keep me from standing up for myself (partly because I tend to need time to process things and partly because I focus on my own faults and imperfections a little too much). Sometimes a person needs to hear they’re being a jerk (compassionately, of course) and if no one is giving them that feedback, it’s no different than making it so “everyone wins”. It’s all a balancing act, isn’t it?
Sep 24, 2012 @ 20:49:12
I have a suspicion that we have similar personality types because that sounds eerily familiar, right down to needing time to process and to not standing up for myself 🙂
I received my BA in Social Psychology, and that’s informed how I view people to a great extent. It made me much more aware of how our personalities, our past, and our present circumstances all combine to influence how we act at any given time.
But you’re right. Sometimes a person does need to be compassionately told they’re being a jerk 🙂
Sep 24, 2012 @ 21:24:17
Beautiful, insightful post, Marcy. I think there’s an epidemic of self-entitlement in today’s culture. Many things come too easy–food, entertainment, “stuff”… Anything we do to better ourselves is selfish and self–less, in my opinion. It’s when we whither away in self doubt that full-on selfishness rears its head, potentially disguised in self pity.
I believe that the most important steps we can take are toward our passions and dreams. It makes desire for self-improvement desirable and us better citizens of the world. There’s too much emphasis on money and fame–not valuable goals.
Sep 24, 2012 @ 21:58:07
That’s a good point. We’re more motivated toward self-improvement when we’re working toward our passions and dreams. Chasing after money and fame can only make us self-involved because rarely do we want those things to make someone else’s life better. (Though my husband and I did have a very fun conversation the other day where we talked about what charities we’d donate to if we had a million dollars.)
Sep 24, 2012 @ 22:06:47
I think it depends on where you live. Small town America won’t let most people survive if they are too self-absorbed. Big city places like New York and LA, I think it’s expected that most everyone will be pretty self-absorbed.
It’s rare when you encounter someone who truly wants to help others. Most folks are intent on bettering themselves. Not that there’s anything wrong with bettering yourself, but by helping others, you better yourself. It’s a vicious cycle.
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
Sep 25, 2012 @ 20:33:52
I read somewhere that the reason for the difference is the number of people packed into a certain area. In a big city, with so many people so close together and very little privacy, people draw inward almost as a protective mechanism. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I certainly thought it was interesting.
My dad is one of those people who truly wants to help others. He’s always there if someone needs him (even someone he doesn’t particularly like). He never asks for anything in return. He’s kind of my hero in that way. I’m not nearly as selfless as he is.
Sep 24, 2012 @ 23:25:01
I think we’re definitely living in a culture of entitlement. Probably the “everyone wins” mentality doesn’t help – I even blogged about it once. Sorry, everyone doesn’t win, and all things are not equal, and those who don’t get that are the ones who’ll struggle the most later. Things my daughter tells me about kids at her school are just mind-boggling. She says she fears for her generation, and I can’t disagree.
Sep 25, 2012 @ 20:34:39
I’ll have to go looking through your site for that post.
On the up side, if your daughter recognizes that it speaks well of your parenting and gives a lot of hope for the woman she’ll become.
Sep 25, 2012 @ 03:41:50
Well said points, Marcy. But a tough question to answer. It’s probably a yes and no answer. I think technology is playing a role in our new generations. Instant gratification is good when it comes to downloading a book you want to read. But I also have a lot of young employees who insist on getting rid of a shift at the last minute and then throwing a tantrum when no one can help pick it up. Now, if that associate had planned two weeks ago when the schedule posted to start asking people and not waiting until 2 days before, don’t you think we’d have a different outcome?!
Ok, can you tell how my day went today at work?
Honestly though, it’s a loaded question. I think of young girls and even women out there who have such low self esteem, and then it feels like as society we’re not doing enough. But it’s almost a double edged sword because the ones that will take it to the other extreme and like how good they feel about themselves based on societal standards are the ones that don’t need as much encouragement.
I like your post, but I can’t give a clear answer to your question. It’s a whole spectrum of mindsets.
Gosh you made me think hard for a monday! LOL
Sep 25, 2012 @ 20:40:29
Sounds like you’ve had a rough day! Instant gratification and impulsivity do seem to be a plague on the rise in our society. I don’t envy teachers and managers.
I see what you’re saying about the low self-esteem problems of many women and girls, and since I suffer from that myself more often than not, I can’t disagree. What I’ve found though is that the less I think about me, and the more I think about the ways I can make a contribution and help someone else, the better I start to feel about myself. I think that connection is a really powerful one that we often miss.
One thing I love about blogging is that none of us necessarily need to have the answers. We can learn so much from each other and from the discussion. Thanks for contributing a great comment 🙂
Sep 25, 2012 @ 12:47:02
Great post, Marcy! It really got me thinking. And what I realized is that narcasism (sp?) isn’t really too much self love. When people truely love themselves, they accept themselves, flaws and all. That’s what love is. The comparing and putting ourselves above others (usually by tearing them down) is a sign of low self esteem, not self love. I still really think that learning to love and accept ourselves is the key. Then we are happy, and we have no reason to try and hurt others or bring them down. All cruelty stems from self hate. If I hate myself, I want everyone else to feel as bad about themselves as I do. It makes me sad to say it, but I really believe we are in the midst of an epidemic of self hate, especially among women.
Sep 25, 2012 @ 20:43:13
Emma, this was so insightful. You’re right. A lot of the time, those hyper-critical people are that way because they’re not comfortable with who they are. It’s not always that they think they’re genuinely better than someone else (though I come across those people too).
I can still remember a post you wrote a while back asking why women are so mean to each other. I don’t understand it either. We should be encouraging each other and picking each other up because we’re stronger when united. (A lot like writers actually :))
Sep 25, 2012 @ 18:01:28
Sorry I’m late to this. My sister is a narcissist, and she is estranged from most of our family, including me. Enough just got to be enough.
That said, I think we do need to teach kids – especially girls to accept themselves but strive to be better people. That your skills and attitude are what matter, that the way you treat others is more important than the way you look to them. As a mother of an almost 7-yr-old, watching what she is already exposed to and the attitude about how she (and her friends) look or what they’re wearing is frightening.
And I do think women especially need to learn to love ourselves, but body image and the idea of supposed perfection is engrained into our heads at a very young age, and it’s a tough thing to combat.
Great, thought-provoking post!
Sep 25, 2012 @ 18:51:35
Wonderfully written post Marcy!
Wow, there are so many great comments here. It is obvious this touched people’s hearts.
We live in a very selfish world. But I think that when someone falls into the catagory of Narcissism, that person may very well have been hurt deeply sometime in their life, thus they trust no one. They really have low esteem issues. It is fear that keeps them from reaching out to others. It feeds their insecurity. They become overly critical of other people in order to raise their opinion of themselves and become proud. Which in turn makes them judgemental. It’s a vicious, nasty cycle.
Since I was raised by someone like this, I try to stay clear of people who tend to lean towards this behavior. I seem to identify with Melinda’s view of herself. I strive to keep it humble and I am my worst critic. Yet, I am still a work in progress. And if I ever sound full of myself, you have my permission to come slap me! LOL! 🙂
Sep 26, 2012 @ 22:49:08
I’m with Emma (above) on the connect between self-acceptance and generosity. A narcissist gets hooked on the thinnest, most superficial surface of him or herself, the youthful version, or the financially successful version or the handsome version. It’s pretty hard to think about anyone else when you’re struggling to keep your always-changing self, always the same. Not that I have any personal experience in this department (Ahem) Nice post. Thanks