Are You A Jerk Without Realizing It?
By Marcy Kennedy (@MarcyKennedy)
How do you react to someone who’s not as good at something as you are?
As I’ve mentioned in a previous posts on “My Dark Secret” and “Why Every Couple Should Play Video Games Together” my husband and I play World of Warcraft, a massively multi-player online role playing game.
I love playing WoW. It’s relaxing and fun to escape into a story you participate in while completing quests.
But I have to miss a large chunk of the content because I won’t play with strangers. Whenever a quest requires a group, I have to wait for my husband rather than asking in the chat box if anyone else nearby is already working on the same quest chain. I never use the random dungeon finder, which would add me to a group of people to run a dungeon. I’ve never been a member of a raiding guild.
You see, I’m a casual player. I don’t have the time to study stats, crunch numbers, and do the theory building of a hard core player. It’s a game. Life takes precedence. And that means I’m not as good a player as many others even though I try.
In other words, I’m jerk-bait.
Jerks pop up enough in random groups that I’ve learned to keep my distance. They’re the people who verbally attack another player because they aren’t doing enough damage per second, they miss a heal, or they lose threat as a tank (the class that’s supposed to distract the bad guy from beating on the squishier players).
These people assume you aren’t trying and that you suck because you’re unwilling to learn. They refuse to play with you anymore, and they try to get you booted from the group.
It happens on the forums too when someone like me asks a question. The jerks assume the person asking the question is lazy rather than that they just don’t know what they don’t know.
It makes me stop and think now before I react to people in life, people who aren’t yet as good at something as I am or who don’t catch on to a new concept as quickly as I do.
Do I want to be the jerk who berates someone who’s struggling? Or do I want to be the person who takes a little extra time to teach them and help them be better?
I want to be the latter.
I want to be the one who goes out of my way to help a newbie learn. I want to be the one who keeps helping them find a new way to understand a concept that’s evading them. I want to show them mercy and grace and kindness.
I’m not always good at that yet. We all have a tendency to assume that if something is easy for us, it’s inherently easy, and anyone who doesn’t get it isn’t trying hard enough.
But I think it’s about every day trying to grow a little closer to the kind of person we want to be.
Do you get impatient with people who are struggling to figure something out? Have you ever dealt with a jerk when you were struggling to learn something?
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Nov 12, 2012 @ 15:11:33
I taught software classes for a number of years and it was my job to be patient and understanding. Or at least I thought.
I sat in on some other instructors classes and realized that not everyone approached teaching their students that way.
Some teachers are jerks. 🙂
Nov 12, 2012 @ 17:45:54
I’ve had teachers who were real jerks, so when I teach, I try very hard not to be that way either 🙂
I also know from personal experience how easy it is for different learning styles to be mistaken for an unwillingness to learn. I think there’s a growing awareness of that now (at least I hope there is), but some people still believe that if you don’t learn it the way they would, you aren’t trying.
Nov 12, 2012 @ 15:21:28
I haven’t had that happen too often. I’m usually the one teaching. I’ll be patient to a point. When it’s obvious the person isn’t even trying to learn because they just want someone to do it for them, I hate to say it, I walk away. I’m the type that wants to learn so I don’t have to depend on someone else.
Unfortunately, the anonymity of the internet has brought more jerks out in the forums, games, etc. Forum posters who are rude, I think, simply get mad because they wanted the easier answer and when you don’t have it, it means they have to work to find it. Don’t let them get to you, Marcy.
Melanie
Nov 12, 2012 @ 17:47:51
Thanks 🙂
Sometimes there are people who want the work done for them. I guess part of teaching anything is learning to accurately tell those students from the ones who genuinely want to learn from are either timid for some reason or are confused 🙂
Nov 12, 2012 @ 17:41:02
Jerk-bait… I like that term. I’m totally jerk-bait. I don’t normally call myself a casual player because when I play a game, I play ever day, most of the day. But I don’t like crunching numbers and I don’t care if I’m the best player ever. Like you, I don’t like grouping with random people. It seems asshats are drawn to mmos where they can berate people and try to make them feel like crap. I too sometimes get a little annoyed or rude toward people who just don’t seem to get it or seem lazy, but I try to be more helpful than hurtful. There are real people behind the characters and there’s no reason to be a jerk.
Nov 12, 2012 @ 17:54:36
I think it might be the anonymity. People who are too weak to assert themselves in real life might be drawn to a game where they can hide behind a character? I’ve met a lot of good people too, but I play for fun and just don’t want to risk having my fun time ruined by a jerk.
Nov 12, 2012 @ 18:24:06
LOL, Marcy. You would be total bait for my husband. He plays WOW, and he and his friends are always mouthing off.
I’m usually pretty patient when someone is trying to learn something. If anything, I get frustrated with myself, because I’m not the best teacher.
Nov 12, 2012 @ 18:45:06
I ran a guild on WoW for a few years, mostly good folks, keen to help others out with group quests and grow the guild to take on some of the more tricky aspects of the game.
The majority of guild members were decent, fun, chatty people, many had families and day jobs. They played for fun, like me. Casual gamers. However, there were a few who took advantage, never even attempted to try something on their own first before asking for help, never bothered to pitch in with group fun activities – they expected help all the time.
I think it’s acceptable to lose your patience if you’ve already given so much of yourself to helping someone and they still don’t get it or don’t offer to pay that help forward to others.
Patience is like a rev counter in your car, the red zone being the Jerk Zone. You have to try your hardest to keep the needle from hitting that area, but you know deep down that every so often you’ll stay in the red too long.
Then you either back off and give in, knowing they’re never going to get it, or you snap and get labelled as a Jerk-Bait Basher.
I play Guild Wars 2 now, it’s kinda peaceful!
Nov 12, 2012 @ 21:34:14
I try to give people the benefit of doubt, and be a little patient. At the same time, I think people who join boards and start asking for questions without looking to see if the question was asked deserve a stern reprimand. I don’t play wow, but I play a table top game called warhammer 40000, and I know I come across as a jerk to more than a few of the people at my local game store. The thing is, when I’m asked the same question every week by the same people who have the books where I’m getting the answers from, in my opinion they are the ones being the jerk.
I think the way you play is a good idea. You know what it’s likely going to be like if you join up in a random group, and you know it’s not going to be fun for you or them. I strongly dislike wow and magic the gathering, but a lot of people at the local game store are very into both. I don’t join in conversations about either, because I know they don’t want to hear me bash on their game of choice, and I know I’m not going to get anything out of what they have to say.
Nov 12, 2012 @ 22:19:46
I agree. I don’t mean the people who don’t try at all. But sometimes, even when you do try, you end up confused and needing help, especially if you’re relatively new to something.
That’s what I thought too. It makes sure the game stays fun for both me and them 🙂
Nov 13, 2012 @ 02:52:29
i like the term jerk bait` the best thing I ever experienced was a group training for something and I had the àha`moment when I realized we learn differently. I learn by listening and making notes. i have a girl friend who will remember more from a presentation than I do but she never takes a note – she`s an audio learner (and I think I hate her.). truly it has been amazing and has made me a better leader and manager.
Nov 13, 2012 @ 04:21:18
Oh wow, this sounds so much like a lot of programming forums! And it’s also the reason I never post in them! Often, I’ll see posts by a newbie who obviously doesn’t even know what to search for, but some a$$hat thinks s/he should and takes him to task for it. Hopefully I don’t ever do that!
Nov 13, 2012 @ 05:31:23
Oh Marcy, I’m doing nanowrimo and have decided to stay far, far away from the forums just for this reason. I don’t have time for rule mongers.
I work in a public library and hold myself accountable for never ever thinking there is ever a stupid question. Ever. Because there isn’t. I don’t understand people who have no patience–or kindness.
Nov 13, 2012 @ 09:39:49
Great topic. I try to be patient when explaining things but like Stacy, I get impatient with myself. I’m not the most coherent teacher when teaching verbally. But if I can write it down and explain it online, I do just fine.
Amy has a good motto. No question is stupid. And good points about us all learning in different ways. Not all teachers understand that.
Nov 13, 2012 @ 23:49:21
Well this is why I don’t play video games, or do FB interactive apps or other such stuff. I’d never play enough for anyone to ever find me again. I don’t even think most of my “friends” on FB remember me I post so rarely. I’d definitely be in the jerk category and I’m totally fine with that.
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt