How Do You Deal With Grief?
By Marcy Kennedy (@MarcyKennedy)
She dried her tears and they did smile
To see her cheeks’ returning glow
How little dreaming all the while
That full heart throbbed to overflow.
With that sweet look and lively tone
And bright eye shining all the day
They could not guess at midnight lone
How she would weep the time away.
–Emily Bronte
Very few of us know how to deal with grief in a healthy way.
In “Extreme Risk,” an episode in the fifth season of Star Trek: Voyager, Chief Engineer B’Elanna Torres is running dangerous holodeck programs with the safety protocols turned off. To hide what she’s doing, she treats her injuries—some of them very serious—herself.
When she goes to the holodeck to test out an experimental new shuttlecraft they’re building, she turns off the safety protocols and is knocked unconscious. The ship is moments away from exploding and killing her. Voyager’s commander finds her just in time.
As the commander and doctor investigate, they find out what B’Elanna’s been doing. The commander confronts her, and B’Elanna admits she’s been trying to feel something.
A few months earlier, she’d received a message from home that all her friends were dead—killed in an attack. B’Elanna doesn’t know how to deal with her grief so she buries it under adrenaline rushes.
Grief can’t be tricked, and it can’t be ignored. Ignoring it puts our health—both emotional and physical—in danger. Ignoring it can also cause us, like B’Elanna, to act in inappropriate or dangerous ways because, even though we don’t want to admit it, grief is rampaging around inside of us, smashing things, until we let it out.
I’m not a counselor, but in my own experiences with grief, I’ve finally figured out three important things.
Allow yourself to grieve around someone you trust. Because B’Elanna tried to hide her grief, her friends couldn’t help her. In a way, I understand why she did it. She felt like she needed to maintain her appearance as someone who was strong and independent.
I’m a shower crier (a person who cries in the shower so no one else knows they’re doing it). It started when my best friend died in university. I was rooming with another friend who fell into a deep depression because of our loss. She talked about wanting to die, and I was afraid that if I showed her my own grief, she wouldn’t be able to handle the added burden. I chose to be the strong one, and somewhere along the way, I forgot how to let other people help me with my grief. It’s not healthy. It means sometimes I’ll break down over something stupid and little because I try to hold too much inside. And it’s a difficult pattern to break.
Don’t force yourself to recover before you’re ready, but don’t wallow in it either. In “Extreme Risk,” B’Elanna tries to artificially cheer herself up by eating banana pancakes, a favorite from her childhood. They don’t taste the way she remembers, and she leaves them after a couple of bites.
A lot of times, we feel like we have to “get over it” because some cultural norm says the appropriate period for mourning has passed. That’s not true. Everyone mourns on their own timeline, and when we try to rush our grief, we never properly deal with it. It’ll come back on us later when we’re least prepared to deal with it.
On the opposite side though, we shouldn’t feel like we need to wallow in our grief. After my best friend died, I felt like I couldn’t smile or laugh, even if I wanted to. I was worried that if I did, people would think I didn’t miss her or that I never really cared about her. Those moments where happiness tried to return made me feel disloyal to her memory. It took me a while to figure out that those flashes were normal and healthy. They didn’t say anything about my relationship with Amanda.
Don’t expect your grief to look like anyone else’s. Grieve in your own way. Part of B’Elanna’s problem was she felt like she was abnormal because she felt numb after learning about the loss of her friends. She kept taking crazy risks because she wanted to feel something, anything.
My husband and I have discovered we deal with grief very differently. I need to work. The only thing I know to do is to keep my mind occupied. My husband, on the other hand, can’t work. He can’t focus. He needs time to himself.
Neither way is wrong, and the faster we figure out how we need to grieve, the faster we’ll be able to deal with our grief.
Do you have any other tips for dealing with grief?
Image Credit: Amber West from WANA Commons on Flickr
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Dec 10, 2012 @ 12:39:25
Marcy, a much needed post this time of year. When my mom died I went thru a terrible period as we were very close. I needed to build my world again without her. I eventually went to a grief counselor who helped me immensely and I also began writing novels from this grief. It was a dream I always had that my mom cheered me on about. With her now gone I needed to make that dream happen for me, and for me, and it helped to have this project to focus on and spare me some time to not think about my grief as I wrote. I was creating a new life, with my words and for me, and that since became my novel out today – A Human Element. So I think finding a healthy project that can create something wonderful from such a sad time – is a miracle I wish for everyone going thru grief. It’s a Catch 22 really – if my mom hadnt died I wouldnt have made my dream come true, but how I wish she were here to celebrate with me.
And you are right – we all need our own way to get over it whether its being alone or finding that new project that helps us get through. I truly believe we cant go it alone though – as you said, w need to find a person we can trust to confide in with our grief.
Dec 10, 2012 @ 15:02:21
I think your mom would be proud of how you used your grief to produce something good. You make such a good point about channeling our grief into something productive rather than destructive. That’s likely why I tend to want to work. I need to feel like good and productive things can still happen. even while I’m hurting.
Dec 10, 2012 @ 15:20:12
It’s a funny thing about grief, Marcy. You’re absolutely right, everyone grieves in their own way. I have grieved for lost family members, friends, and pets. I’ve learned not to hide the pain of loss, at least not all the time. I’ve also learned that there is no time when you are “done” grieving. The feelings of loss lessen in intensity over time, but there are times or events that re-awaken that grief. Sometimes, an event or place will also re-awaken the joy of that past relationship. And that’s okay, too.
Dec 10, 2012 @ 16:43:05
As has been mentioned, a very timely and thoughtful post, Marcy. Also, I believe it might be Emily Dickinson’s birthday today???
At times, the line between celebrating a life and grieving for the loss of it is not so distinct. It may be that we are searching for a comfortable way to remember always, which takes a while.
Karen
Dec 10, 2012 @ 22:22:15
Today is Emily Dickenson’s birthday 🙂 1830 I think was the year.
I think we’ll most often have to grieve what we’ve lost before we’re able to celebrate the wonderful memories we have and the legacy that person left behind. It is a tough line to walk.
Dec 10, 2012 @ 21:37:17
Yup. Very timely post. Tomorrow will be 2 years since my oldest daughter died, and I just continue to do what I’ve done all along. The same thing I’ve done when my dad and others I love have passed away. I bust my butt keeping busy and do my best to distract myself. So basically I do ignore it. When my grandpa died, I was crushed…but I still went to work right after his funeral. I mean, what else was I going to do? Go home and wallow in it? When my dad died, I cleaned, I sorted, I threw away things like mad…for months. Now I just immerse myself in writing and editing. It’s a lot easier physically. 🙂
Dec 10, 2012 @ 22:19:52
I don’t think I knew about your daughter Kristy. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
It sounds like we deal with grief in very much the same way. It’s worse for me if I’m not staying busy. When I can keep going, it’s like the activity of my mind and body slowly starts to help me cope.
Dec 11, 2012 @ 04:40:42
Kristy, I am so sorry that you lost your daughter. My sympathies to you my friend.
Dec 10, 2012 @ 23:37:02
I wish I had this post when my father died in 1999. It was his birthday and he died on the phone with ME. My family tends to be the strong stoics. I was the “strong Scandinavian woman” and it damn near killed me. I still don’t know how to grieve effectively. I keep pressing and ignoring pain and I know that’s stupid, but I’ve never been allowed to be ‘weak.” Really don’t know how. I always loved B’Lanna’s character. I could relate, LOL.
Dec 12, 2012 @ 22:24:16
I don’t even know what to say. If I could give you a hug, I would.
I struggle a LOT with letting myself be weak. I have a friend who once said to me “I envy your ability to not cry.” I looked at her and said, “I envy your ability to cry.”
I relate to B’Elanna a lot too.
Dec 10, 2012 @ 23:50:27
Oh very nice stuff. I think the most important thing to understand is that it’s okay to grieve. It’s okay. We don’t have to be tough for the kids or for mom or dad, we can grieve.
When my mom died, I was so concerned about how my dad would react, what he would do, and everything along those lines, that I forgot that I lost someone I loved too. It wasn’t all about my dad, it was about me too. I didn’t really grieve for a very long time because I was trying to be strong for my dad. That’s crap. I lost someone too and I deserve some grieving time.
Thanks for the reminders.
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
Dec 12, 2012 @ 22:32:56
It seems to come back to us feeling like someone else has more right to grieve than we do, but really, if we’re hurting, we have the same right to grieve as anyone else.
Dec 11, 2012 @ 03:15:17
What a wonderful post. I’ve lost two brothers in the last seven years, and I’m not sure how I got through it. The first happened (car accident) when I was pregnant with Grace, and I’m sure focusing on her helped me. This past January, another brother passed from throat cancer. At that point, it was a relief because he’d suffered for so long. And maybe seeing him at peace helped.
But my mother is a different story. We are very close, and she is in stage 4 kidney failure from diabetes. She also has congestive heart failure. We’d like to think she still has several years left even with dialysis, but we just don’t know. And to be honest, the idea of losing her terrifies me. I am so afraid of crawling into bed and never coming out.
That was the driving for for getting Into The Dark published. I wanted her to see that happen, and to see her name at the top of the acknowledgements.
Thanks to Marcy and to all of you for sharing.
Dec 12, 2012 @ 22:26:07
Thank you for sharing with us. My heart aches for you because I know how I’d feel if that was my mom. You did an incredibly beautiful thing getting your book out so that she could see her name there. I’m sure she knows how much you love her.
Dec 11, 2012 @ 04:42:19
Lovely, important post Marcy. I had to learn the hard way to grieve in my own way and to let others grieve in theirs. When I accept that there is no right way I can survive the storm and recover.
I’ve also come to realize that it never goes away. It’s always there in the recesses of my heart and soul and will pop up when the time seems right.
Dec 11, 2012 @ 20:05:02
My husband and I realizing how we grieve differently has actually been really helpful to our marriage. For example, when he was still in high school, his sister was killed by a hit-and-run driver. He calls his mom every year on his sister’s birthday and the day of her death. For them, that’s a very important thing. For me, that would be absolute torture. I want “death days” to just pass without mention. Otherwise, it’s like tearing the scab off a wound before it’s ready. I know the wound is still there, but I don’t want to keep ripping the scab off over and over again.
Dec 11, 2012 @ 14:55:54
Marcy, I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that we are alike in this, too.
I’m a private griever, if I grieve at all. I certainly do my best not to show it to ANYONE.
Sometimes I wonder if I don’t feel worthy to share my grief. I know I would certainly be the shoulder for someone else to cry on without hesitation, but why can’t I expect someone to be that person for me?
Instead, I change focus and pretend all is good.
Dec 12, 2012 @ 22:30:22
I’m not surprised either given how much else we have in common.
The idea of not feeling worthy to share your grief really made me stop and think about whether that might not be part of my problem too. I don’t hesitate at all to help someone else with their grief, but there’s always a certain feeling like I shouldn’t share mine. Like I’d be putting an undue burden on someone else if I did. Hmm…
Dec 11, 2012 @ 19:56:48
Timely, Marcy. I was thinking about rerunning mine from last year. Then I pop online and see you have a beautiful one already up. Very nicely done. It’s important to remember that grief is also like a roller coaster. It’s full of highs and lows. You may think your doing better when all of the sudden something will come out of left field and throw you spiraling down into an all time low. It could be something as simple as realizing you feel guilty for experiencing happiness (a high) when you don’t think you should. But you should, allow yourself the highs. Anyway, I didn’t mean to get preachy. Wonderful post.
Dec 11, 2012 @ 20:01:57
You weren’t preachy at all. I’m very glad you shared.
You’re right about the highs and lows. I think when we first have a good day, it’s easy to think we’re better, and then we believe something’s wrong with us when we have a bad day. In truth, that’s just the natural grief cycle.
You could still put your post up again. I remember it, and I think a lot of people would benefit from it.
Dec 18, 2012 @ 20:19:36
Marcy, I’m so encouraged to see a blog post on such an important subject. Thank you for tackling this universal subject. Grief has visited us all and you are so right to state that we each deal with it differently. Though one thing I believe we all will share: if we don’t sit still and allow ourselves to feel it (when we are ready), allow it to work its way out and through, it’ll just keep festering and growing. Then, when new losses come our way, we have not only those to absorb, but the unfinished business of the earlier one as well. It’s holy work, in my opinion.
I wanted to share a quote I’ve often used as I’ve dealt with grief at various times. It’s not original with me but I’ve used it so long I no longer remember even where I first heard it. Perhaps it will help during those times when you want to push the grief away.
“Crying clears away the sadness and creates a space for joy.”
Thanks again.
Dec 19, 2012 @ 02:58:19
Thank you for sharing that quote! It’s beautiful, and I will be remembering it when I feel like I don’t have the right to cry.