What Do You Do When You Reach the End of Your Rope?
By Marcy Kennedy (@MarcyKennedy)
Some of you might have noticed that two weeks ago I had a week where I disappeared from the online world. I posted on Monday morning, but didn’t reply to comments. No Wednesday writing post. I didn’t tweet, and popped on Facebook only once or twice, briefly, mostly in groups where I felt safe.
I had one of those weeks. You know the kind. Where if it can go wrong, it will.
I came down with a serious sinus infection the Friday before. Puffy face, teeth that felt like I had a mouth full of cavities, and pain bad enough I suffered through four sleepless nights. On Monday, we had to say goodbye to our seven-year-old Siamese cat after three days of rapid decline because there was nothing more the vet could do for her. (My pets are part of my family.) The rest of the week became death by a thousand paper cuts.
By the weekend, I ended up curled in a ball in our recliner sobbing over the death of a character in a TV show. I knew the death was coming. I was prepared for it. And I’m not the kind of person who cries over TV shows or movies. But my anger over the death of that character proved to be more than I could take.
When we have days, weeks, or months like this, it’s normal to want to pull the covers back over our heads and allow depression to swallow us up. We feel like giving up because nothing we do is going to turn out right anyway.
We actually need to do the opposite.
Almost everyone has seen the movie Finding Nemo, but in it, clownfish Marlin lost his wife and all his eggs but one in a barracuda attack. When his only surviving son, Nemo, is captured by a diver, Marlin sets out to find him and bring him home. Dory, a regal tang with short-term memory loss, soon joins in his search.
Marlin and Dory find the diver’s mask with his address on it. They need to find a fish who can read, but in the process of escaping from a shark, surviving a mine field explosion, and barely missing being crushed by a sinking ship, the mask falls into a deep, dark crevice.
Marlin thinks the crevice is too deep and too dark to find the mask again. All seems lost. He doesn’t want to go on anymore, because everything just ends in disaster. He’s given up hope.
Dory pushes her face close to Nemo’s and makes pouty fish lips. “Hey, Mister Grumpy Gills, when life gets you down, you know what you got to do?”
“I don’t want to know what you gotta do,” Marlin says.
“Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.”
Later in the movie, when they have Nemo back and are headed home, Dory gets caught with a bunch of other fish in a fisherman’s net. Nemo swims in to help her encourage all the fish to swim down together and tear the net from the boat.
The other fish are panicking and start to give up when it doesn’t work immediately. It seems like Marlin will lose the only two fish who matter to him. Then he remembers what Dory said.
“Just keep swimming,” he yells at them.
The principle is simple but profound. When everything is going wrong, the best thing to do is to keep moving. Keep trying something. Just don’t give up.
Because if you just keep swimming, eventually things have to change for the better.
What do you do to get through the tough times?
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Feb 25, 2013 @ 12:28:01
I never would have thought to look to Finding Nemo for good advice on life, but you are so right! Just keep moving is the best thing to do. I don’t really get depressed, but when I get upset I like to talk it out. I call my step-mom or a close friend and I usually feel better after a few minutes. That being said, I also have no problem with a good cry. I have been known to cry over CSI:Miami. Horatio was really a good guy sometimes. 🙂 I think there is something to that “fake it till you make it” idea. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other until it becomes easy and natural. And, my best friend’s mom always says, “Put on some lipstick and you’ll feel better.” She’s usually right. I think it means to keep on going and do something nice for yourself along the way. Eventually it will get better. Everything does.
Feb 25, 2013 @ 16:51:56
Love the advice about “put on some lipstick and you’ll feel better.” Sometimes when things are tough we do need to remember to just do something small and nice for ourselves. It can make a huge difference in our frame of mind.
Feb 25, 2013 @ 13:15:12
Sorry you’ve had a rough go of it. It can be so hard sometimes to juggle what life throws at us, and it seems unfair that we have to deal with so much at once. I think for me, I try to reassess where I am headed, what I am worrying about and spending my time on, and decide whether this is the best use of my time or not. Once I really think about where my energy goes, I can redirect it as needed and it helps me cope better. I focus on X or y first, instead of managing x & y along with a, b & c. 🙂
Hope you are feeling better now, Marcy!
Angela
Feb 25, 2013 @ 16:53:23
Reassessing where we’re headed is a great piece of advice. Often when I find that I’m feeling overwhelmed, it’s because I have a vague idea of all the things I need to get done, but I haven’t set them down in a concrete plan. Once I write them out in achievable little pieces that I can tackle one at a time, things don’t look so bleak.
Feb 25, 2013 @ 13:22:53
This is so true!
Sorry about your rough week. We all have them from time to time, so I know exactly how you felt. Just sharing about it always helps for me.
Hope you’re feeling better!
Becca
Feb 25, 2013 @ 16:53:57
Thanks! You’re right. Sharing with others can help because we know we’re not alone and someone else cares.
Feb 25, 2013 @ 13:51:46
Oh Marcy, you do sound like you had a bear of a week. Funny that you pulls from Nemo and a fun and optimistic Dory. “Just Keep Swimming” is sort a theme with my critique partners. One of them even sent us all Dory pins from Disney to remind us, at all times, we just have to keep going. 🙂
I hope you feel better and things are far more rosy!
Feb 25, 2013 @ 14:07:24
I’ve been thinking that I need to print myself off a picture of Dory with the words “Just Keep Swimming” across the top and tape it up where I can see it. It’s good advice for writing, as well as for all the rest of life 🙂
Feb 25, 2013 @ 14:16:17
That “just keep swimming” song gets a lot of play time when my day job drives me crazy. 🙂
I hope you’re feeling much better this week!
Feb 25, 2013 @ 16:54:44
Thanks, Diana. My husband does a frighteningly good impersonation of Dory, so it’s frequently stuck in my head 🙂
Feb 25, 2013 @ 14:18:19
I’m sorry about your kitty, Marcy. My pets are part of my family, too, so I know it must have hurt your heart. 🙁
And to not feel good on top of all that? I can see why you took some time away. There are moments when we need to do just that – break away from the chaos to take some deep breaths, grab hugs from our loved ones, and rejuvenate our fighting spirit. I am usually not one to cry at movies or TV either but when life is getting to me and something I see or read really touches me (like the death of a character to remind us of the loss we are feeling our own lives), then I’m all for a good cry. It gets those emotions out and helps me clear my mind and heart.
Other times, I need a good cry and some chocolate. Okay, fine. Most of the time chocolate IS involved after a good cry. (I recommend dark chocolate, if anyone is wondering.) 😉
Dory gave some sage advice. Thank you for sharing it with us. I very well may have to print that up and stick it on my fridge.
I hope you’re feeling better. And I’m glad you kept on “swimming.”
Feb 25, 2013 @ 16:57:04
Chocolate is often involved 🙂
In hindsight, I don’t think I was crying over that character at all. I think I was crying because my heart was still hurting over the loss of Chai (our kitty). Sometimes when we try to be so strong, it takes something off the wall to break down our defenses and allow ourselves to do what we need to do.
Feb 25, 2013 @ 14:25:11
I love Dory so much! And I’m glad you took the week off so you could take care of yourself. I believe in the “just keep swimming” mantra, but I also believe in being kind to yourself in the midst of sinus infections.
Here’s to a better week!
Feb 25, 2013 @ 16:58:09
I needed the time off for sure, and I’m so glad you suggested it. You may not have realized it at the time, but it was the permission I needed to say to myself, “It’s okay to need rest right now. Go take a nap if you need one.”
Feb 25, 2013 @ 14:31:41
Yikes. I’m so sorry for all the tough circumstances of last week. Losing a member of the family, our cat, would put me down for the count. Some weeks are filled with one challenge after another. Besides just keeping on swimming, I find reaching out to a friend and talking to God, or reminding myself of my favorite mantra – this too will pass. I pray that this is a better week for you.
Feb 25, 2013 @ 16:59:02
I often fall back on the “this too will pass” comfort. Thank you so much for the prayers. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.
Feb 25, 2013 @ 14:38:20
Oh, Marcy. Sorry to hear about your week. I’ve had to step back before too. Sometimes I think it’s like when you get really, really cold and all the blood needs to congregate around the major organs; it doesn’t have time for the extremities. Sometimes blogging and social media are the extremities. We have to step back. To mix metaphors, I’m glad you found the energy to “just keep swimming.”
Feb 25, 2013 @ 17:00:20
I love that way of thinking of it–blogging and social media are the extremities. Looking at it that way would remove a lot of guilt off the shoulders of writers everywhere who hit a rough patch. Thanks, Leanne!
Feb 25, 2013 @ 15:05:17
I’m so sorry to hear about your cat 🙁 It’s always hard to lose a beloved member of your family, but you’re right. Sometimes all you can do is push through and know things will get better.
*hugs*
Feb 25, 2013 @ 15:12:11
So sorry for you loss, Marcy. I know when I’m beaten down I need to cry or curl up. At least initially. I think that can help to acknowledge our loss/pain/disappointment. I love that you use Finding Nemo. The just keep swimming message is something I take to heart. Even if it’s short distances at a time,it’s important to keep moving forward. Hugs, Marcy.
Feb 25, 2013 @ 15:34:54
Good to know you’re back and swimming with more strength. You wrote a perfect visual of “one of those weeks”, and drew on a gem of a story to illustrate strength of character. More than once when my son was younger I would hear hims say something that would prompt me to ask, “Where did you learn that?” His answer would be, “From cartoons.” I love Nemo.
I’m sorry about losing your pet, she wasn’t very old.
Feb 25, 2013 @ 15:53:09
Hi Marcy, I’m sorry to hear about the miserable week. It sounds like it was aweful.
There are three things I tend to do when I go through hard times. The method I chose is dictated by just how bad things are.
When things are just a little rough, I will take a day or two off and backpack up to where I don’t bump into anybody and let nature cure the woes.
When things get a little more rough, I take a longer vacation to regroup. This is usually somewhere like Cancun, or if I have a tax return available, Turks & Caicos.
When things are deplorable, and I realy feel like I’m at the end of my rope, escapism doesn’t do it. At this point I try to give service to somebody in dire straits. It may sound strange, but when I’m at my worst, if I lose myself in helping somebody else, I somehow come out of it feeling like 100 bucks.
Here is to this next week *raising a can of Coke*, and I hope it is a great week for you.
Zack….
Feb 25, 2013 @ 15:53:34
Marcy,
Sometimes you can’t swim and have to tread water or paddle. You’re moving, and that’s what matters.
I, loo, lost a Siamese unexpectedly, and that cat’s death has haunted me because I thought I’d missed clues. As you know, though, cats are masters at hiding illness and pain. As I read your post, I relived my cat’s last three days, and my heart goes out to you.
Take care of yourself and remember it’s okay to paddle in the shallows until you’re stronger.
Feb 25, 2013 @ 15:55:56
My condolences on the loss of your cat (my dog died when she was only 4, so I completely feel your pain). I’m really sorry you had to endure the week you did, but thank you for writing about it and giving me a new mantra to “keep swimming.”
I hope this week will improve for you!
Feb 25, 2013 @ 16:28:53
What a week you had – so sorry about the death of your cat. I know too well that kind of loss. I sobbed for days after my beloved little guy passed away 4 years ago. I still get a pang in my chest whenever I think about him.
Dory is a wise fish and you’re even wiser to heed her advice. After a necessary period of drawing inward, it is good to be reminded to just keep swimming.
Feb 25, 2013 @ 16:37:38
Marcy, I’ve been at that point. Anne Hathaway (aka Fantine, in Les Miserables) precipitated my downpour (right there in the theater). Another time, the mother in Beethoven triggered it. (It was a comedy; I’d laughed til my own mother’s face superimposed itself over hers.) I had buried my own mother less than a month before that v)
I’ll have to check out Nemo. Sounds like he had really good advice!
I hope your life is back on even keel.
Feb 25, 2013 @ 16:57:26
A sinus infection is utterly vile at the best of times, but when you’re feeling at a low ebb and then your Siamese dies after a heroic battle for life, then you’re bound to feel like curling up in a dark corner under sedation.
The last straw that breaks us might not be a big thing either, it’s just the last thing, if you know what I mean.
The analogy with Finding Nemo is a good one.
And I hope you feel better soon.
Be kind to yourself.
I’m sending you a BIG HUG.
Christine xx
Feb 25, 2013 @ 17:42:17
Marcy, I’m so sorry for your loss! I hope you’re feeling better now and did get the emotional and physical rest you needed. It’s so important to take care of ourselves. And I love that bouncing out of it you’re taking on Dory’s mantra! Just keep swimming, Marcy, and know we’re all in that school with you! *hugs*
Feb 25, 2013 @ 17:58:03
I quote Dory all the time, Marcy. I can even do a pretty good imitation of her singing “Just keep swimming.” I can’t think of a better motto when life seems to be going wrong all over the place. I also like your comment, “Eventually things have to change for the better.” So true!
Feb 25, 2013 @ 21:00:34
What a week! Sometimes life is like that–just knocking you down over and over. I love your conclusion about “Just keep swimming.”
As for me, after I’ve retreated, wallowed, and possibly spooned half of the refrigerator chocolate chip cookie dough into my mouth, I take an inventory on everything I have to be grateful for. In my life, it’s a lot with good family, friends, health, home, and more. I also read some of my favorite Bible verses, including Isaiah 43:2 which reminds me that when things suck, God’s still there with me.
Hope this week is much, much better!
Feb 25, 2013 @ 23:18:25
Hi Marcy,
I’m so very sorry about you losing a member of your family and that you were so ill, and that you had a horrible week. So glad to hear you kept swimming and that you’re back.
The story of Nemo tied in perfectly.
To answer the header question…I wouldn’t hang myself. 🙂
Feb 25, 2013 @ 23:46:35
I probably shouldn’t admit this is a public forum, but your last line made me laugh so hard I snorted 🙂 Thank you for putting a grin on my face.
Feb 26, 2013 @ 00:49:54
Now I’m busting a gut. I can just picture it. 🙂
Feb 26, 2013 @ 03:09:27
Wow, Marcy; and to think you topped off your week by presenting for WANACon. Thanks for sharing your heart here, and rising to the occasion to teach us about Twitter in the conference. I needed both.
Feb 26, 2013 @ 03:18:38
WANACon was a much needed pick-me-up for me, so I was happy to spend that time with all of you 🙂
Feb 26, 2013 @ 03:31:05
Marcy, I’m so so sorry about your cat. Losing a pet is hard. {{hug}} Being sick is hard. Sinus headaches are the WORST.
When things get that bad I have eat chocolate, sing or listen to sad songs, then ball my eyes out (not pretty). The longer I fight the ‘feeling bad’ part the harder it is to get through it. Once I’ve allowed myself to feel bad, then I can pick myself up, put on my favorite outfit, put on some makeup, and start swimming again. (I LOVE Dory)
Be good to yourself, Marcy, and feel better.
Feb 26, 2013 @ 17:58:05
Big hugs, Marcy! Boy, did you have a week! This is a great blog post and a great reminder that if you keep moving, eventually you break into the clear.
Feb 27, 2013 @ 19:13:18
I think it was brave of you Marcy and the right thing to pull away and take time for you over that week.
It’s amazing how your body new it, even before you did.
I usually withdraw from the world when I’m struggling and it’s usually someone offering a kind word or a friendly nudge that pulls me back out again or else I just go through the motions until the sun shines again.
Hope you’re having a better week this week.
Feb 28, 2013 @ 03:52:04
I love it! “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.” The fish equivalent of holding on to the bedpost. Hope you are feeling better, and so sorry about the lost of your kitty. You had a wallop of a week. Best wishes.