What Would You Trade to Look Young Forever?
By Marcy Kennedy (@MarcyKennedy)
In the movie 13 Going on 30, all the women were “thirty and flirty and proud,” but in real life, every woman I know has a meltdown when they approach the big 3-0. One of my cousins even launched a blog where she cataloged her attempt to do all the crazy things she felt she needed to do before 30. Thirty was old.
I’d never dwelled on my age before because I didn’t feel old, but lately so many people close to me have fretted over being a 30-something, I couldn’t help myself. As I stared at my face in the mirror after each of those conversations, I knew.
In a way, they were right.
The truth is the thirty-one-year-old me doesn’t look as good as the twenty-one-year-old me did. And as time goes on, that will get worse, not better. I won’t ever be able to go back to that girl’s face or her body.
I found myself wishing I could have a picture like Dorian Gray’s that would grow old for me.
Dorian is the title character in Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray. Dorian is an extremely handsome man, so handsome an artist friend has asked to paint him.
On the day the artist will finish the painting, Dorian waits with a much older gentleman named Lord Henry. Lord Henry tells Dorian he should enjoy his youth and beauty while he has them because those are the only things that matter.
“You have only a few years in which to live really, perfectly, and fully,” Lord Henry says. “When your youth goes, your beauty will go with it, and then you will suddenly discover that there are no triumphs left for you, or have to content yourself with those mean triumphs that the memory of your past will make more bitter than defeats.” (Chapter 2, page 26)
Dorian can’t shake Lord Henry’s words, and when he sees his picture, he’s filled with despair because the beauty in the picture will last, but his own won’t.
“When one loses one’s good looks,” Dorian says, “whatever they may be, one loses everything.”
He claims he would trade his soul in order to have the picture grow old in his place.
Lord Henry’s lie—and it is a lie—is the same one society feeds us.
It sells us Botox, liposuction, anti-aging creams, and Spanx. It tells us wrinkles and grey hairs are things to cover up. It glorifies youth and irresponsibility and marginalizes the elderly, with all their wisdom. It believes a woman should never admit to her age.
And if we buy into the lie, it puts us at peril of the same fate as Dorian.
Because of the trade he made, Dorian stays young and beautiful, while his picture ages and grows grotesque with every year that passes and every evil Dorian commits. His outside stays beautiful at the expense of his inner growth and beauty.
Eventually, overcome with guilt for the murders, suicides, and other sins he’s been part of, Dorian stabs his picture, thinking that will free him. Instead, the picture returns to youthful beauty and Dorian, in death, becomes a withered, disgusting corpse.
Like Dorian, when we buy into the lie, we start to focus more of our time and energy and money on trying to match the unrealistic standard of beauty our society holds up for us to worship. We focus less on trying to cultivate the beauty we have inside.
And in the end, we’ll never win the battle against age. We’ll all die, and most of us will die old and wrinkly, saggy and age-spotted.
Instead of dreading it, fearing it, we should rejoice in it. The most beautiful woman is one who’s lived a full life.
I’m going to wear each new crinkle in the corners of my eyes as a badge of honor speaking to the hours I’ve spent laughing with friends.
I’m going to remember that my no-longer-perfectly-flat belly is because I’ve chosen to enjoy pizza nights with my husband, eat birthday cake and ice cream with my each of my elderly grandparents, and bake cookies for my parents.
I’m going to treasure the dark circles under my eyes (the part of my age I hate the most) because it speaks to how deeply I love, to the nights spent lying awake trying to think of ways to help hurting friends or crying over deceased loved ones and pets. Deep love leaves deep marks.
So as much as I’d still like to have a picture like Dorian Gray’s, I’d never want to be like Dorian Gray.
Because external beauty is not the most important thing, at least not to me.
How far do you believe is too far to go in the pursuit of external beauty?
This post was written as part of the Beauty of a Woman blogfest being hosted by the truly beautiful August McLaughlin. Visit her blog tomorrow (Friday, February 22nd) to read a bunch of inspiring stories. My post for last year’s BOAW blogfest was The Lie of Helen of Troy.
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Feb 21, 2013 @ 12:23:16
This is a great topic, and yet it is also a hard one for me to wrap my head around. For me, beauty is so much about what is inside shining through. It’s not about skin without wrinkles or hair that isn’t gray. But, I also think that certain things look better on certain people. I don’t know that I will ever have gray hair, because I don’t think it would look good on me. But two of my favorite people rock gray hair and look amazing with it! One is long and wavy and the other is short and sassy. And I think they have been gray for awhile. It fits their personalities and their coloring. And it looks beautiful. Age hasn’t ever really bothered me. Maybe because I’ve spent too much time trying to hurry up and get to the next point in my life. And I’ve always looked forward to being 42. I have no idea why. It just sounds like a great number and really, each year has been better than the last. I don’t even think I looked better at 21 than I do now. I have come into myself in my 30’s and I think that makes me much better looking. Confidence is beautiful, in my opinion. But I tend to think whatever age I am is the best age, and I think what I look like is what my age looks like. Maybe I’m delusional, but I am happy. Age really is just a number and we are beautiful at each step along the way if we are beautiful inside. I think I just agreed with what you said about the guy in the painting. Ugly inside is ugly outside for me. 🙂
Feb 21, 2013 @ 16:21:03
I love that you’re looking forward to being 42 🙂
It sounds like we do agree. I am definitely more confident now than I was as a twenty year old, and I hope that does come through as beautiful regardless of the physical points I can’t change. I think I’m also healthier now. I had a poor relationship with food in my early 20s.
My aunt went silver at a young age and it looks gorgeous on her. Unfortunately, she’s my aunt by marriage not blood so I doubt I’ll have the same fate. Too bad because if you have to go grey, that’s the way to do it!
Feb 21, 2013 @ 22:13:02
42 is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. 🙂
(Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy reference, for those not on my geek wavelength. LOL!)
Feb 21, 2013 @ 23:32:30
Haha, can’t believe I missed that. Awesome!
Feb 22, 2013 @ 16:06:02
LOL Jami – I thought exactly the same thing when I read Emma’s post! 😀
Feb 21, 2013 @ 23:29:54
Yep, Jami, my response exactly. Who WOULDN’T want to be the answer to the universe, for crying out loud. 🙂
Feb 21, 2013 @ 13:57:43
And, I’m relishing the discovery that, at 65, I feel so much sassier than I did at 35. In agreement with Emma Burcart, I don’t know about going gray, but I’m rocking red!
Feb 21, 2013 @ 14:11:58
My mom is in her 50s and my maternal grandmother is in her 80s and neither of them have a full head of gray hair. I wouldn’t mind if I could go completely silver. I think I’d look good with silver hair. But if I only go partway, maybe I’ll rock the red as well 🙂
Feb 21, 2013 @ 16:15:38
Lovely, thoughtful post, Marcy. “Deep love leaves deep marks.” That sentence spoke to me the most because to me that’s what life is all about, isn’t it? To love and be loved and to do so will leave lasting marks on us, both on the outside and the inside. For me, true beauty shines through one’s compassion, kindness, integrity, and confidence.
Feb 21, 2013 @ 17:29:36
Great post! I’m getting close to… (clear throat)…50! Yikes. Some days I feel it, others I don’t. Beauty is an interesting topic and society makes us think one thing. Actually, this is what the theme is for my second book. Too many times we believe society’s lies.
Scary. Thanks for your post, Marcy!
Feb 21, 2013 @ 17:31:50
I never would have guessed you were nearing 50. You look much, much younger than that. Sounds like a great theme for your book 🙂 It will touch a lot of people.
Feb 21, 2013 @ 20:19:23
Thanks Marcy! You’re sweet!! 😀
Feb 21, 2013 @ 19:39:42
The other week I went downtown with my best friend and for drinks afterward. Watching all these college kids come in made ME feel old, and I’m still in my 20’s! LOL
There are things I miss and things I wouldn’t trade for the world. As much as I love the Picture of Dorian Gray, I don’t want that for my life because the final scene is SCARY! I think aging can be scary, but it’s because we try to do so much in such little time, we get overwhelmed. I think I’m at my best when I have balance in my life. Just like Beauty and Brains, right?
Feb 22, 2013 @ 06:38:26
Jess, I’m also in my 20s, and I work on a college campus. I swear, the kids are getting younger and younger these days. They all look like babies… and I have started clutching my pearls when I see what the girls are wearing (or, er, NOT wearing) to parties. 😛
Feb 21, 2013 @ 19:55:26
Great post.
“Deep love leaves deep marks.” <– Yes. This. I have the marks to prove the depth, although proof isn't necessary.
How far is too far? For me, too far is altering one's face to the point of being unrecognizable, allowing a 14-year-old to get breast implants, and/or cultivating a youthful appearance as though it was life's holy grail.
Feb 21, 2013 @ 22:39:43
I have a rather large nose, and I’ll admit I’ve thought about whether or not I’d get a nose job if I had the money. I decided I never would. It might not be the prettiest nose, but it gives my face character, who’s to say I’d like a smaller nose better, and there are definitely better ways that money could be spent. Instead I think I’ll just make the best of what I have.
Feb 21, 2013 @ 21:51:08
Great post! The most interesting thing to me is that your thoughts at 31 echo mine at 52! Did I worry about looking old when I was 31? I can’t remember, but now at my age I wonder if the lie isn’t being bought by us all, not just older folk. I recently heard of a young girl (12 year old) asking for a rejuvenating cream she saw on television! Seriously?? That’s too far.
I like your perspective that “deep love leaves deep marks.” Thank you. I love deeply 🙂
Feb 21, 2013 @ 22:33:39
Wow, that is sad. I’ve heard similar stories about girls who are really too young to be worrying about things like that obsessing over them. I’ve always had dry skin so I’ve used moisturizing cream for as long as I can remember, but not because I was worried about wrinkles in my teens!
Feb 21, 2013 @ 22:23:23
Great post, Marcy! I *hated* the IDEA of heading into my 30s, but once I got there, I was fine. Like so many things in life, we worry about things more than is justified.
As I was approaching one of those “Ack! Maybe I should make this my “last” birthday” (as in, those women who claim they’re 39 for decades), my mom gave me some great advice. She said, “Never lie about your age. If you tell the truth, people will always think you look great for your age. If you lie, behind your back, they’ll think you look like crap.” 🙂
I have a blue streak, so dyeing my hair is a no brainer. 😉 But anything else, no thanks. I’d rather be happy just being me.
Feb 21, 2013 @ 22:32:12
I’ve always heard people talk about how they don’t want any more birthdays or don’t see why they should celebrate getting old, but I’ve never understood it. I love birthdays. It’s a free day for eating whatever I want (I had cupcakes for breakfast last year), and I’m guaranteed to get at least a couple of things that I could have never justified buying for myself. Birthdays are cool 🙂
I love you mom’s advice. It’s true. When I learn someone’s true age, I always think they look younger than they are.
Thanks for the comment!
Feb 25, 2013 @ 14:08:28
LOVE your mom! My maternal grandfather lived to be 100, and he was always proud of his age. I guess he passed that on to me. I never lie about it, and now I can verbalized why.
Feb 21, 2013 @ 22:53:41
I like your perspective, but you’re still only 31. Wait until you’re pushing 50 then re-evaluate. I hope you still feel the same way. (I’m saying that tongue-in-cheek.)
I do my best to stay young and fit, but what’s most important is that I’m healthy and happy. Happy people exude a glow that makes them beautiful. I think if we all just strive for happiness, the world would be a more beautiful place.
Thanks for being part of August’s blogfest. Such a wonderful project.
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
Feb 21, 2013 @ 23:26:52
God, I remember being SO excited to turn the big 3-0… The thirties are when women start hitting their sexual peak, so I figured that was a fabulous decade to embark upon. 🙂
It was a difficult decade(I lost both parents in the first half of it), but an incredible one (I met my hubby smack in the middle).
I wouldn’t want to turn back my age, except maybe at the end so I could stay with my daughter.
Feb 21, 2013 @ 23:43:56
Hmmm. I turned 30 the year I got married…and my wedding was two weeks before my birthday. In other words, I was too busy to notice 30. It didn’t bother me at all.
I can’t say the same this year. I crossed a line somewhere, and I’m not sure where exactly. On the other side of that line I struggle with the whole concept of age. I can look back and honestly say I’ve lived half my life, and I have no idea if I truly lived it. And I can look forward and realize there’s not much left, not nearly enough left for all I wanted to do.
I wish I could go shake that under 30 girl and tell her to get her ass in gear. Life’s too short to worry about stupid things, just get out and DO. Now I watch my parents…and realize I will be there in what to me feels like a few short years…and I realize just how much they didn’t DO, and how much I don’t want to be like that. And yet every day…routine…gets in the way.
Yes, I can probably say with confidence that I am right in the middle of a Mid-Life Crisis. And that doesn’t make me feel beautiful. At all.
But your post is awesome 🙂 What would I trade? I’m not sure. Can I have someone else’s youthful looks? Not sure I liked mine enough to trade my soul to keep them lol.
Feb 22, 2013 @ 00:56:56
Great post, Marcy. I remember an episode of Grey’s Anatomy last year where Callie was in an accident and Arizona is sitting watch over her. Callie leaves her body and looks down at herself and breaks out into song. Not my favorite episode but she sang a song that had a verse that said “All of these lines across my face tell the story of who I am.”
I had recently been lamenting my laugh lines but ever since I heard that verse I’ve actually learned to appreciate them.
Thanks for bravely daring to go where most women would fear to tread!
Feb 22, 2013 @ 02:17:49
Now that I’m 45, I have to confess that while I BELIEVE that “the most beautiful woman is one who’s lived a full life,” I can’t say that I would never do something to improve my outward appearance.
My lips are wrinkly.
And I don’t like it.
But I am thrilled that my body is still strong. And I am grateful that I have the perspective of an older woman. I love my curves and the laugh lines around my eyes. I love that my heart is bigger each year. I love that I have stopped fighting with people and learned to just listen.
So, I don’t know what I’ll do about these lips.
Maybe something; maybe nothing. We’ll see. I feel beautiful on the inside. It’s just hard to pass mirrors sometimes. Good thing I can’t see without my glasses! 😉
Feb 22, 2013 @ 06:40:54
This is a wonderful post, Marcy. It’s funny though–when I was 15 I REALLY wanted to be 35, because it meant that I would be through with the nonsense of high school and the stress of college and grad school. But then again, I’ve always gotten along far better with people my parents’ age and beyond, and not so much with my own peers.
Right now I’m fantasizing about my “crone” years. I plan on letting my hair go entirely silver, wearing lots of purple, and learning how to read tarot cards. 😛
Feb 22, 2013 @ 07:00:52
Great post to make a person think, Marcy. I have to say I don’t think I’d ever have surgery to make myself look younger. I see pictures of celebrities who look plastic because they’ve tried so hard to hold on to their youth. That said, I am a firm believer in facial exercises…and I’m sure there will come a time when I start supporting Clairol. Of course I have really dark hair, too. The gray shows up a little more on me than it would on you. 🙂
Feb 22, 2013 @ 16:10:48
I never really thought much about turning 30 – maybe because I had a 9 month-old and was too busy! 40 – I thought about that a little bit more, but it still wasn’t a big deal. I even let my hair go gray, but then I decided to color it, not because it made me look old, but because it made me look oldER than I am – which I otherwise don’t. My car, that I love, has rock chips and scratches. Once I got over the initial horror of the first one, it was no big deal – those are “battle scars,” that exist because it’s being driven and enjoyed, not locked away in my garage. Same goes for our gray hair and wrinkles – they’re character marks that we’ve earned!
Feb 22, 2013 @ 16:11:57
So, so true. I got sick in my early forties and had to give up hair color, make-up, contacts, manicures and all the things that society tells us make us beautiful. In my mind because of all I have gone through I still feel like I am in my forties. However, when I look in the mirror I realize time marched right on by. I have learned to accept this change.
Feb 22, 2013 @ 16:12:36
I’m just a couple years from 30, personally, but I don’t get why the age terrifies people. I recently posted on my blog that it had been one of my goals to have something published by the time I was 30 (also posted several other goals at the same time), and I was shocked at the amount of people who posted saying that I shouldn’t be acting like 30 was “the end of the world”. I was like “. . . what on earth did I say to make you think I thought that? It was simply a goal to work for. If I haven’t had anything published by the time I’m 30, I’m most certainly not going to stop trying. I just work better with deadlines.”
And how far is too far when pursuing external beauty? When you’ve sacrificed yourself for your appearance.
Feb 22, 2013 @ 16:23:59
Beautiful post, Marcie! I think 30s is the hardest decade but apparently 40s rocks. Every decade rocks if you are full of inner beauty I guess.
Feb 22, 2013 @ 16:51:17
My 90-year-old grandmother told me she often looks in the mirror, expecting to see a child. It’s an odd thing, the way our spirits, lives and minds grow and brighten (hopefully!) with age, while our bodies gradually wear down.
Since overcoming my eating disorder, which as you know isn’t really about appearance, I’ve learned to see beauty where it truly exists. Sure, we want to feel physically attractive, but I’d rather look happy and healthy for my age, whatever it is, than “young.” (‘Anti-aging’ may be my least favorite word. ;)) I want to earn and cherish every age. If they bring wrinkles and gray hair, so be it. (Yeah, easy to say at 34, but I really feel sincere.) It’s much better than trying not to smile so to avoid smile lines…
In Europe, age is celebrated and respected. I hope that Western culture can learn to embrace and see the true beauty in aging women. Lots of work to be done in this regard, but I’m hopeful.
Thanks for participating in the fest, Marcy! Such a wonderful post. 🙂
Feb 22, 2013 @ 17:58:35
I’m with your grandmother. At 70, I still have a child living down in there somewhere.
Feb 22, 2013 @ 19:44:16
The different opinion on aging here in North America vs. Europe is something I’ve really struggled with. I spent three days a week with my grandma while I was growing up. She was born in Eastern Europe and elders are revered and families still build additions to their homes to house their elderly relatives. I grew up thinking wrinkles and grey hairs were something to aspire to because they signified wisdom and respect. It was only once I got old enough to be influenced more by our culture that my perspective changed.
I hope as I grow older I can keep the balanced perspective of valuing inner beauty 🙂
Feb 22, 2013 @ 17:07:19
“I’m going to treasure the dark circles under my eyes (the part of my age I hate the most) because it speaks to how deeply I love, to the nights spent lying awake trying to think of ways to help hurting friends or crying over deceased loved ones and pets. Deep love leaves deep marks.”
That is one of the best things I’ve ever read.
I’ve always been ok with growing old (I’d rather grow old than die young!), but those dark circles, and that little bit of love handle growing on my sides, and the fact that my body doesn’t *feel* the same as it used to definitely wears on me sometimes.
Feb 22, 2013 @ 19:46:38
You just listed the three things that get to me about getting a little older 🙂 It’s almost impossible to quantify that difference in feel too, but we recognize it!
I really like how you put things into perspective though. I’d also much rather grow old than die young!
Feb 22, 2013 @ 17:12:17
I’ve never really been afraid of aging. Wrinkles? Cool, now I can stretch my skin in front of a mirror and make faces! Grey/silver/white hair? I am totally going to rock that… Or purposefully die it crazy colors just to mess with people. LOL
This year will be my 30th birthday. I am going to have an awesome “Dirty 30 Party”. Yep! I’m going to celebrate my age every step of the way, because life is too short not to live it fully! WOOHOO!
Feb 22, 2013 @ 18:00:21
As a septuagenarian (whew, I think I even spelled that right), I wouldn’t go back one year. I do hope I can stick around long enough to see my grandkids bring me some great-grandkids, though.
Feb 22, 2013 @ 20:16:05
Sing it, sister! Thirty was my favorite year. Until I turned forty. now I’m looking at fifty (okay, I need glasses to see it), and thinking it’s going to be a fabulous year. I’ve learned to embrace my age, my wrinkles, my jiggly bits, and love them unconditionally because they make up the whole of me. If someone wants to accept me or not based on my appearance, I don’t need that person in my life. I’ve got too much to do to waste on a single soul sucking creature who doesn’t know to value a woman for all she is, not how she looks!
This is my favorite line, ‘The most beautiful woman is one who’s lived a full life’. Hot damn! I’m gorgeous, baby.
I’m so glad you’re embracing your body in its entirety. Those nights of pizza with your husband and so much more important that any outside validation. You are beautiful, Marcy, inside and out. You have no idea how many times your honest words have comforted me, challenged me, and made me feel like I’m not alone. For that, I thank you.
Feb 23, 2013 @ 05:08:23
Love love love “Deep love leaves deep marks”. I think my forties have really been my best decade. I feel like I grew up so much- lol- but still young at heart.
Feb 23, 2013 @ 15:15:00
I, for one, wouldn’t trade a single one of the smile lines I earned from laughing with friends and family or smiling at my husband and children. I take good care of my skin and especially of my teeth, and I eat a pretty clean diet, though too much of it. I’m pleasingly plump, and I struggle with making exercise a priority, but I feel like I’m better than I’ve ever been in my life because I love me. My mid-forties are fantastic, and I wouldn’t go back for all the Fair Trade chocolate in the world!
Feb 23, 2013 @ 21:55:36
“The most beautiful woman is one who’s lived a full life.” What a wonderful line that encapsulates the true joy of living–at every age to set and achieve goals, to keep growing, keep dreaming, and stay the journey. Because the road doesn’t care what you look like. Great post.
Feb 24, 2013 @ 04:33:14
I would really like to say I never look in the mirror but since I had a facial today before I had my roots coloured, it somehow wouldn’t ring true. Did all that make me look any younger? Not a bit … but it made me feel better and I think that is okay! Sometimes we need to do things on the outside to feel better on the inside. As long as it isn’t an obsession, should we pass judgement on that? As you so wisely say, “And in the end, we’ll never win the battle against age.” As I settle into my sixties,I’m only too aware of how quickly life is passing by and I do make the most of living each day to the fullest. My greatest pleasure now is being a grandmother … but I still like to get my roots done!
Thanks for such a beautiful post. It’s one that encourages us to take a good look at the choices we are making and to be happy with them.
Feb 25, 2013 @ 04:17:49
I loved your beautiful conclusion about cherishing those signs of age because it means you’ve lived. Age 30 meant zip to me. It came, it went. But age 40 was a bigger deal. However, despite my body changes, I am enjoying my 40’s because my life as a whole is more full, more satisfying.
Feb 25, 2013 @ 06:10:10
It’s funny that I am reading your post just now, Marcy, because I turned 60 this year, and the other day I was trying to decide which decade of my life was the best.
At first I thought, “Why my 50’s, of course.” Then I realized that when I turned 50, I thought my 40’s had been my best years, and when I’d turned 40, I’d thought my 30’s were my best years.
So now I’m thinking that probably my 60’s will be my best decade yet!
Feb 25, 2013 @ 13:56:53
That’s a really wonderful way of looking at it. I think I’m going to go into my 30’s determined to make them the best decade so far 🙂
Feb 25, 2013 @ 14:19:32
Marcy, great post! I too want to remain youthful looking, but also want to age gracefully. It’s funny as turning 40 was awesome. The best time ever in life and for many as I think by then you know who you are, know what you want, and feel confident to make it happen. And feeling this way can make you feel youthful and beautiful. What would I trade to look younger? Nothing I can think of. I’ll keep putting on my expensive face cream, take care of my body and hope for the best! LOL. And now that I nearly 44 (almost half way to 50 -eek!) I am actually looking forward to 50 and excited about what dreams I’ll have made happen by then. And let my hair go gray (although, I’m hoping for a soft silver. ha ha).
Feb 25, 2013 @ 15:12:48
Hi Marcy! The Picture of Dorian Gray is one of my all time favorites! Oscar Wilde was such a keen observer of humanity. Like any Faustian tale of bargaining, there is always a price to pay at the end, and Wilde told Dorian’s dilemma particularly well. I think these kind of stories (maybe even ALL stories) are a way to help us process what it means to be human–that is, conscious of our temporary status on earth. Good for you for wearing those wrinkles and dark circles with pride! We earn everyone of our so-called flaws by LIVING.
Feb 25, 2013 @ 23:37:27
Love it. I especially love when you say, “deep love leaves deep marks.” It’s so true!
In terms of how far is too far in pursuit of external beauty… I guess everyone has their personal limit. But for me, I make sure that my internal pursuits are far more important than anything external because as I’ve found. If we only focus on the external (whether it’s beauty or material things) it ends up being empty and meaningless. Were as when we focus on the internal and what our purpose is, it brings us to life and gives us a glow that no beauty cream will ever achieve. And, more importantly, a joy and satisfaction that money can’t buy.