Why We Ought to Ask Ourselves “Can We” Rather than “Should We”
By Marcy Kennedy (@MarcyKennedy)
In the newest Star Trek movie, Into Darkness, Kirk faces a series of choices where the outcomes are lose-lose. Does he let Spock die or break the Prime Directive and reveal their ship to a primitive society? Does he allow their ship to explode or fix the problem but irradiate himself to death?
Every time he makes a choice, it seems like someone is ready to tell him he made the wrong one. Finally Kirk is fed up.
“I don’t know what I should do,” Kirk tells Spock. “I only know what I can do.”
Granted, the situations Kirk faced are ones we’ll never deal with. And there are situations where we need to think about should and shouldn’t, right and wrong.
But what about when we face a choice without a clear right or wrong? A choice where each path holds potential drawbacks. Maybe in those cases we should worry less about should we or shouldn’t we and think more in terms of can we or can’t we.
Because there’s a difference, and making ourselves phrase the question as a can rather than a should often changes our perspective on the core of the issue.
Last week, for example, my husband’s car reached the end of its life, and we started asking ourselves the inevitable questions.
Should we buy a new vehicle or a used vehicle?
Should we trade in my truck and go down to being a one-car household?
I was making myself sick wondering what we should do. Once I started thinking about it in terms of can do, the answers were easy.
Can we really afford a new vehicle without putting ourselves in a bad financial situation?
Maybe some people would have said we should have taken on the crushing debt to buy a new car because of the warranty or reliability or it looks nicer. Phrasing it as a can question made the answer simple for us.
Can we really afford to pay for and maintain two vehicles when my husband goes back to school in the fall?
Maybe some people would have said we should keep two vehicles because of the inconvenience of me not having a car at my disposal. Phrasing it as a can question, though, helped us get down to what was really the issue for us. We’d made a choice to sacrifice in the short-term to send my husband back to school in order to help us reach our long-term goals. We can’t make payments on two vehicles while sending him to school, and my truck doesn’t get good enough gas mileage to be our sole vehicle when he’ll have a two-hour commute each day.
Yes, it’s semantics, but changing the way we ask a question can sometimes also change the way we look at it.
Is there a question you’re facing where the answer becomes easier if you ask it as a can rather than a should? If you’re in a two adult household, do you share one car or each have your own?
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Jun 03, 2013 @ 11:14:58
What an important distinction to make! I have been trying to focus less on shoulds and ask if I really want to do something and if it is in line with my long term goals. But, getting literal and asking if I can do something is so important. Sometimes it might be: Can I do this and get enough rest over the weekend? Or Can I do this and still feel good about myself? These are the questions I’m going to keep in mind when making decisions in the future. Enough with the shoulds! Thanks for another deep, important topic (even if it is tied to a sci-fi movie I’ve never seen.) 🙂
Jun 03, 2013 @ 12:15:00
The examples you gave are perfect 🙂 “Can I do this and still feel good about myself?” could help answer a lot of dilemmas where we’re trying to stick to a goal we’ve made (or basically any ethical challenge). I’m glad you still got something from the post even without seeing the movie 🙂
Jun 03, 2013 @ 12:51:29
“Should” is a lie. The bottom line is that on some level, we do what we want to do. When we want a debt-free life more than we want instant gratification, we make do with one car. When we want to be thin more than we want the cookie right now, we pass on the cookie. When we want to be successful authors more than we want to go to play on Facebook, we turn off the social media and get the work done.
“Should,” on the other hand, is a tool people use to avoid responsibility for their choices. If you had said, “We should only drive one car,” and that’s why you did it, it would create resentment. Like some authority figure in your head was forcing you to do it instead of it being your voluntary choice. I love how you approached it as “can.” “Can” accepts responsibility and recognizes that the choices we make are actual choices, and that the power lies with US.
Children “should” do things. Adults “can” do things. I wonder if the use of “should” is a way to abdicate the responsibilities of adulthood. Just a thought.
Great blog!
Jun 03, 2013 @ 16:18:18
I love the way you connect movie moments with real life decisions. It makes your posts friendly, accessible and good advice. Good luck with your long term goals. 😉
Jun 04, 2013 @ 12:46:48
Thanks, Pauline 🙂 I think concepts are easier for us to contemplate when there’s a story attached.
Jun 03, 2013 @ 17:27:53
I loved how you broached this!
Hubby and I also made the same decision to get rid of one vehicle, just think of the extra money we save to enjoy other things in life. 🙂
Jun 04, 2013 @ 12:47:57
I know there will be moments when I wish I had the independence of my own vehicle, but overall, I don’t think I’ll end up missing it that much. I only drove it once or twice a week. And when I think about what we’ll save in insurance alone, it really dulls the sting!
Jun 03, 2013 @ 19:53:23
In’it wonderful that rephrasing a question can get our selfs out of our own way so we can look at an issue clearly, or at least from a different perspective.
Jun 04, 2013 @ 12:51:03
It shows how powerful words can be, doesn’t it?
Jun 04, 2013 @ 03:12:45
Great post, Marcy! I think “should” has some heavy-duty associations with it that make it hard to see things clearly. “Should I do this?” as you say, implies a possible wrong answer, so we get all uptight about getting it right.
“Can” So much more concrete and action-oriented. Is it or is it not possible? If the answer is yes, then you worry about whether it’s desirable. If the answer is no, move on!
Jun 04, 2013 @ 12:53:24
I think that’s it exactly. “Should” implies that we need to be careful to make the perfect choice, when really there might not be a perfect choice. “Can” let’s us think about it in practical terms rather than moral terms. “Can” is actionable.
Jun 04, 2013 @ 05:26:39
A most excellent post Marcy. Boy oh boy, do we deal with difficult decisions in our lives? Can and should. Hmm. “Can” denotes a positive attitude, a movement in a forward direction. While on the other hand, “Should” denotes a negative emotion full of doubt and regret. I think the word Can empowers us. Let’s face it, we need all the empowerment we can get. You’ve been hit a lot lately Marcy. First your computer and now the car. I understand. In the aftermath of hubby’s accident, we also downsized to one vehicle for the first time in our married life. It was the right thing to do for us. And it showed us that we Can do it. We can live with one car. 🙂
Jun 04, 2013 @ 12:57:10
I love hearing how many other people have made the same decision (for different reasons). It’s always nice to know you’re not alone!
I love the way you’ve pointed out the emotions that come behind those two words. I don’t know if I thought of it in that way, but now that you say it, it seems so clear. Thank you 🙂
Jun 04, 2013 @ 12:43:09
Simply brilliant.
Jun 04, 2013 @ 23:18:33
Very interesting. I’ll have to give this can/should rephrasing a try! Also any reference to Star Trek and I’m sold, great post.
Jun 05, 2013 @ 01:05:45
The car dilemma is one that never goes away. We’ve had a respite from it for a few years, having paid off both cars. However, with a 15-year-old in the house, we have to decide what we might possibly get that she can drive safely and economically. We will be taking the “can” approach when we make the decision–with a little bit of “should a teen be driving that kind of car” logic.
Congratulations on looking at your long-term goals when making decisions like you did to stay with one car for now. Keep your eye on the prize!
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Jun 07, 2013 @ 15:16:08
[…] “Should” is a limiting word, but with “can,” all things are possible. Why We Ought to Ask Ourselves “Can We” Rather than “Should We” by Marcy Kenn…. […]