Is Chasing Your Dream Preventing You From Living?
By Marcy Kennedy (@MarcyKennedy)
Over the summer, I dropped my blogging schedule down to one day a week. I also took a real vacation for the first time in three years. I did those things for a very specific reason.
In Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Harry finds the Mirror of Erised that shows him his parents (who are dead) standing next to him. At first he thinks the mirror has brought his parents back to life. He shows the mirror to his best friend Ron, thinking Ron will be able to see Harry’s parents as well, but Ron doesn’t. Instead Ron sees himself as Quidditch Captain and Head Boy.
The mirror, it turns out, shows each person what they want most. As Dumbledore put it, “the deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts.”
Harry goes back night after night, just to be able to see his parents again. Eventually Dumbledore finds him there, and tells him that the mirror will be moved. He asks Harry not to look for it again. As wonderful as it is to look into the mirror and see your most cherished dream come to life, that’s exactly where the danger of the mirror also lies. Men have wasted their lives staring into the mirror.
“It does not do to dwell on dreams,” Dumbledore says, “and forget to live.”
That’s the danger I think all of us face when there’s a dream we want so badly that we focus our life on seeing it come to fruition—we forget to live.
There’s nothing wrong with focusing our efforts on achieving our dreams. There’s value in sacrificing in the short term in order to reach our long-term goals. In fact, we’re generally going to be happier and healthier people when we do pursue our dreams.
But we can’t chase our dreams at the expense of living life day by day.
Sometimes when we’re always looking forward, we miss the joy of the moments happening around us. Many people have written about this lately (including my good friend Lisa Hall-Wilson), but as much as we’re told to “live in the moment,” we’re also given the message that we should sacrifice whatever it takes to reach our dreams.
Just get up earlier to write. But what if that means you’re only getting four hours of sleep a night? Should we be sacrificing our health to reach our dreams?
Go back to school if you want a better job. But what if you need to work full-time to support your family? Should we sacrifice time with our spouses or children, missing out on years of their lives, in order to get what we want?
Tell your friends you can’t get together because you need to do thus-and-so in pursuit of your dream. But how long can we expect people to remain our friends if we never have time for them? Will you be content at the end of your life if you’ve achieved your dream and have no one to share it with?
When do we cross that line between chasing our dream and forgetting to live?
I can’t tell you where that line is for you, but this summer I’ve been evaluating where that line is for me. Balancing on that line will mean cutting out some things, reintroducing others, working a little less, and living a little more.
Does this mean I want my dream less than someone else wants theirs?
I don’t think so. I think it means I’ve broadened my dream. Instead of my dream being the “end goal,” my dream now includes the day-to-day. It includes how I want to live each day in order to look back on my life with contentment when I’m old. It includes how I want to live each day with the knowledge that none of us knows how long we have.
And those day-to-day, mundane dreams are just as valuable to me as “the dream” that I chase. I’m not going to waste my life staring into the mirror.
What about you? Have you found the balance between chasing your big dream and living your life? Do you think one is more important than the other?
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Sep 09, 2013 @ 11:09:25
Love, love, love this. And you’re right. It’s VERY hard to find balance. For years after my kiddos were born, I had no dreams of my own. Only saw to them and my husband and it kind of sucked the life out of me. Then, when I found writing, the pendulum swung back the other direction. I think I’m doing a better job these days finding a happy medium, but it’s always a challenge. Always.
Sep 09, 2013 @ 12:45:58
I don’t have children yet, so I stand in awe of moms. I already feel like I’m always chasing the pendulum in one way or another, but I think the important part is that we’re at least always striving to find that balance.
Sep 09, 2013 @ 13:05:37
I have struggled with this over the summer as well. I finished my book and spent hours editing it and at first i was happy that my kids were keeping themselves occupied with different activities but now that the summer is over i wonder if i could have spent more time with them. Actually i know that i could have. It’s hard to juggle it all. Soon they will be older and I need to spend with my time with them now. But…then again, i have to get this book out there. And it goes back and forth, back and forth. Thanx. This came at a perfect time!
Sep 10, 2013 @ 22:40:34
I don’t think that back and forth ever ends. I always feel like I’m one step behind, like everyone else is able to produce faster and work longer than I can. But I wonder if that isn’t a misconception. Maybe we all feel that way and no one is really ahead.
I don’t have kids yet, but I experienced something similar when our Great Dane was a puppy. Now that she’s grown, I look back and really wish I’d enjoyed her more when she was little. They have such a short lifespan that every day is precious.
Sep 09, 2013 @ 13:28:11
Before my surgeries, I blogged 2-3 times a week. I just looked and I only blogged 3 times in June. Now I am back to twice a week. Along with rewriting my book, that is all I can handle. I agree there has to be a balance. I was forced into it this summer. It was a nice break. Few were around anyway!
The expression, “Friends are like a garden. Tend them and the friendships will grow,” is so true!
One of the most important things I learned through my journey was to get out and LIVE!
Sep 09, 2013 @ 15:02:38
You’re an inspiration, Susie, and I think you make a very important point. We often feel like we have to do what everyone else is doing, but really, we need to do what we can handle without making those unreasonable sacrifices. I’m so glad you’re recovering so well!
Sep 09, 2013 @ 13:53:28
Great article. My grandson is ten and is my best friend. I make sure not to allow my writing to interfere with our time together. If you gave me a choice between reaching best seller status or enjoying more time with him, I would choose the latter. Hands down. Pursue your dreams but remember what you have right now.
Sep 09, 2013 @ 15:00:55
That’s how I feel about my husband. He’s my best friend and I will choose time with him over becoming a bestseller. I bet your grandson loves the time with you and will cherish it later in life.
Sep 09, 2013 @ 16:58:33
Oh wow, does this resonate. I even touched on this in my blog yesterday. We hear so often, “how bad do you want it?” its seems that anything we won’t give up, means we must not want our dreams badly enough. I got so that I hardly ever socialized outside of expected family get-togethers and the occasional work thing, and only recently realized what I’d been doing. And to beat all, I didn’t even need that time to write! So this summer, I started making friends a priority again, and I’m writing just as much. Maybe not blogging as much, but hey, it’s a worthwhile tradeoff to me.
Sep 09, 2013 @ 18:40:28
I’m going to have to go read your post now too 🙂 I couldn’t agree with you more. I’ve lost track of the times I’ve heard “if you really want it, you’ll do whatever it takes.” I don’t think that’s true. I really want it, but some sacrifices are too great. I realized that I’d said “when such-and-such is finished, I’ll have more time” so often that my friends didn’t believe it anymore. I don’t want to lose those my relationships with the people who matter most to me.
Sep 09, 2013 @ 18:13:13
I want to see something I’ve written in print. It happened once when I won the writing contest at school. They never sent me a copy of the literary review, so I live in hope. I know why I do it. Why all writers do it. Acceptance. No matter how complete our lives are, if we write there is an itch that we just can’t scratch and need someone else to do it. So we send out our work and rub against the door jamb hoping that someone will send an acceptance letter and a backscratcher it is.
Sep 10, 2013 @ 22:42:12
Ah, acceptance. You’re right. That’s a battle we all fight. We all want someone to tell us we’re good enough and that our writing is worthy. I should write a post on our need for acceptance. For me, I’ve noticed a shift in where I’m seeking that acceptance. I’m not longer seeking it from the same places that I was 5 years ago, and I’m much happier for it.
Sep 09, 2013 @ 18:19:15
Love this! and the Harry Potter reference. One of my favorite quotes from the movies!
It’s my whole “blog” theme, when I started out. Living life balanced between reality and dreams.
Now if only I could figure the balancing part out… 🙂
Sep 09, 2013 @ 18:37:28
It’s a quote that I’ve remembered ever since I first heard it because I know it’s something I personally struggle with. And maybe struggling and failing and trying again is an important part of the process. You’ve picked an excellent focus for your blog 🙂
Sep 09, 2013 @ 18:50:56
I remember getting teary in the theater at the mirror of Erised scene. It really is so true. I’m with you, Marcy, I choose my family first. 🙂
Sep 10, 2013 @ 22:42:48
I bet 10 years from now you’ll look back and be glad you did 🙂
Sep 09, 2013 @ 20:08:36
I love this post, Marcy! The example from Harry Potter really makes the point that dreams aren’t life. I think I posted after NaNo last year that I learned I *could* complete a novel in 2 months, but that didn’t mean I wanted to release 6 books a year. The rest of my life was too important, and I didn’t want to give up that quality of life to ONLY write.
That’s related to the reason for why I’ve said since the beginning that no matter how successful I turn out to be, I wouldn’t give up my day job. Yes, it sucks up a lot of time that could be spent writing, but giving it up would mean relinquishing other aspects of my life that I value too much. Thanks for the reminder! 🙂
Sep 10, 2013 @ 22:46:02
I did a fast draft earlier this year and discovered that I could write a novel in a month, but like you, that’s not a pace I want to feel locked in to. I have fun writing, but I have fun doing other things too. In the same way that I wouldn’t want to spend 12 hours a day at a regular office job, I also don’t want to have to spend 12 hours a day at my writing (and related aspects) job.
I’m happy to be self-employed, but I completely understand where you’re coming from. There’s less pressure for your writing to make money when you maintain a day job, and it’s also easier to leave work at work. Plus, I know that some days, after working on client projects, I don’t have any creative juice left for my own. I expect a day job wouldn’t come with the same creative drain.
Sep 10, 2013 @ 22:55:53
Eh. Honestly, my day job pays crap, but it’s rewarding in other ways. LOL! If I left it, I’d feel like I was abandoning ideals that matter to me. So I recognize that it’s important *to me* and my sense of self to keep it. 🙂
Sep 09, 2013 @ 20:15:04
I know I’m just repeating what others have said, but you’ve hit on such an important subject. I remember hearing an author speak at a conference, she talked about being in the stands for her son’s football games with her laptop–not chatting with other parents and barely watching the game because she was going after her dream, and if we weren’t willing to give up parts of our lives than we didn’t want it enough.
And I remember thinking, but those other parents become my friends, and we build connections, and it’s the only social thing my husband and I do during football and baseball. So I thought I didn’t want it enough, but I was okay with that. And now you’ve validated this for me. Thanks.
Sep 10, 2013 @ 22:48:34
I’m so glad you left a comment. If it were me, I’d want to make friends with the parents in the stands too. I know authors who make the choice to work during their children’s games, and that’s their choice, but it wouldn’t be the one I’d make, in part because I can remember being little and desperately wanting to know that my mom or dad was actually watching. Sometimes maybe it can’t be helped, but I don’t think it should be a habit. Kids know when you aren’t paying attention.
Sep 09, 2013 @ 22:36:16
Amen, sister. I’ve made some huge decisions this past summer. Lots of changes taking place.
Loved this post, Marcy. The analogy with the mirrors was perfect. 🙂
Sep 10, 2013 @ 22:49:02
I’d love to know what you’ve decided. Drop me an email when you get a minute 🙂
Sep 09, 2013 @ 23:51:17
Love this post! Life is all about balance. That scene from Harry Potter is actually part of the inspiration for my WIP. I’m even going to try to get permission to quote the line, “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” I want to put it before chapter 1. The imbalance of dwelling on dreams is one of the themes to my book.
Sep 10, 2013 @ 22:59:08
I hope you’re able to get permission. It’s a wonderful quote. And you’ll have to let me know when your book is out. I’d like to see how your inspiration came to life 🙂
Sep 10, 2013 @ 01:33:40
Wow, This post resonated!
My children are my main focus, but now that they are older, I get to do more for myself. I do struggle to get the balance right, even between the basic networking that is essential for mental health and writing during the times my children are in school. Having a goal is important. Sticking to it is too. But re-evaluating that goal from time to time, in light of the real world, is the most important of all.
Sep 10, 2013 @ 22:51:37
“Having a goal is important. Sticking to it is too. But re-evaluating that goal from time to time, in light of the real world, is the most important of all.”
I couldn’t have put it better myself. I wonder if we don’t sometimes set a goal and then forget that it can be modified as we go along. We see any modification as failure, when really modification is just adapting for better survival and success.
Sep 10, 2013 @ 01:46:18
Great post, Marcy!! Being at our summer house this past month with lousy Internet (and for awhile, no Internet) was an eye opener. I got so much done around the place, finished a piece I’d been writing, and still had time to do some recreational reading for a change.
Sometimes we just need to jump off the gerbil wheel and take a long hard look at our priorities. Thanks for the reminder!
Sep 10, 2013 @ 22:52:41
Jump off the gerbil wheel is right. I basically reached the point where I felt like I was running and running and not getting anywhere. I almost started to hate what I do, and if this work isn’t fun, I might as well get a regular job. If I want to keep loving what I do, I need to find more balance.
Sep 10, 2013 @ 04:32:47
Excellent post Marcy. I read it this morning, but I have family in town and did not have the time to leave a comment until now. We do need to take a step back and assess our priorities. Life does have a way of controlling us instead of us controlling life. You know I’ve taken a step back from several forms of social media. I simply do not have the energy to do everything. And after what hubby and I went through over the past few years, I am exhausted and needed a break. I wanted to focus on my novel, which to me is more important at the moment. Good for you for finding your balance. it’s so important. And thank you for sharing some of your precious time for me. {{Hugs!}}
Sep 10, 2013 @ 22:54:57
Sounds like you have your priorities in the right place since you spent time with your family rather than commenting right away 🙂 Knowing what I do about what you’ve gone through and your day-to-day struggles, seeing how much you get done anyway is a huge encouragement. It shows how much you can do even if you don’t have much time and energy to work with.
Sep 10, 2013 @ 10:35:09
I SO needed this today. Ok, yesterday, when I first read it but didn’t have time to comment. And I didn’t have time to comment because I am working too hard. And I realized that I need to live more, too. I need to rest, relax, travel, and spend time with friends. I am also in desperate need of a pedicure. 🙂 I am taking this to heart, and I am on a mission to find more work/life balance. I’ll let you know what I come up with. Thanks, again, for helping me to see something I really to focus on and making me happy to do it.
Sep 10, 2013 @ 22:56:51
I hope you’ll blog about it too. I love reading your posts and seeing how we come at similar topics from a different direction. So many times you’ve given me the nudge I needed as well!
Sep 10, 2013 @ 12:29:20
Thanks for the link love. Great post. I worked a lot this summer – more than I have other summers, but we had a week off for camping, I didn’t work many evenings — and we have many 1-day adventures. We did a walking tour of downtown Toronto, went spelunking, and many photography sessions. A better balance than most years, I think. 🙂
Sep 10, 2013 @ 22:50:14
You’re welcome. I loved your post 🙂
I think we both benefited from taking “no work allowed” vacations this summer. I know how hard you push yourself and I know how hard I push myself. We both flirt with burnout much too often.
Sep 17, 2013 @ 13:04:50
Marcy, what a great post and great reminder. I hope you find your balance. I am still striving to achive mine and have made some big changes recently. Despite all that, I can’t fathom a total no work allowed vacation. My mind just keeps going back and I wake up in the middle of the night with an idea that I just have to get on paper. It’s a part of my balance to have that. Now, working at my day job, blogging, reading and cooking – I can let go of those things.
Sep 17, 2013 @ 14:33:33
Thank you, Marcy! I’ve been struggling with the same issues lately (as I watched another summer zip by through my office window). Part of the problem is that I’ve finally “broken in” and am actually making money doing what I love. The pace is crazy (I’ve published 8 kids’ science books in the last 2 years) but I’m scared of what might happen if I slow down. Burnout is a real possibility though, and that scares me too.
Sep 17, 2013 @ 15:50:39
Boy, Marcy, does this hit home. 3 years ago I walked away from my career as a high school teacher because pursuing my writing dream was killing me. “Just get up earlier…” yeah, right. I am living more fully now than I ever have in my life, albeit on more of a budget. Granted, I’m one of the lucky ones–my husband’s retirement from a good career makes it possible for us to live on my part-time baker income. But it was that little voice–Are you really LIVING?–that prompted the move, for both of us. Great post.