I Have a Love-Hate Relationship with Pictures
By Marcy Kennedy (@marcykennedy)
Turns out I have a love-hate relationship with pictures.
I love them because they grab important moments and help keep memories alive. I find great joy in looking back at pictures from times past. I hate them because, in the last couple of years, I’ve noticed I look older in them than I once did.
I know, right? That shouldn’t have come as a surprise. People grow old. But I’m a person who has always struggled to be comfortable with her appearance, and a photo shoot for my new website/online photos just over a week ago drudged up a lot of old insecurities I’d thought I’d put to rest. When I’m held still in an image, all the imperfections that I trick myself into thinking people don’t notice in real life can’t be hidden anymore.
I needed to replace my current photo because it was nearly eight years old. I didn’t want to replace that photo because the truth is the thirty-three-year-old me doesn’t look as good as the twenty-five-year-old me did. And as time goes on, that will get worse, not better. I won’t ever be able to go back to that girl’s face or her body.
I found myself wishing I could have a picture like Dorian Gray’s that would grow old for me. And as I thought that, I remembered a post I’d written a few years ago for August McLaughlin’s Beauty of a Woman blogfest. At the time, I wrote it because a lot of women around me were struggling with the turning-thirty hurdle. Now I’m dragging it back out because I need to remind myself of those lessons.
Dorian is the title character in Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray. Dorian is an extremely handsome man, so handsome an artist friend has asked to paint him.
On the day the artist will finish the painting, Dorian waits with a much older gentleman named Lord Henry. Lord Henry tells Dorian he should enjoy his youth and beauty while he has them because those are the only things that matter.
“You have only a few years in which to live really, perfectly, and fully,” Lord Henry says. “When your youth goes, your beauty will go with it, and then you will suddenly discover that there are no triumphs left for you, or have to content yourself with those mean triumphs that the memory of your past will make more bitter than defeats.” (Chapter 2, page 26)
Dorian can’t shake Lord Henry’s words, and when he sees his picture, he’s filled with despair because the beauty in the picture will last, but his own won’t.
“When one loses one’s good looks,” Dorian says, “whatever they may be, one loses everything.”
He claims he would trade his soul in order to have the picture grow old in his place.
Lord Henry’s lie—and it is a lie—is the same one society feeds us.
It sells us Botox, liposuction, anti-aging creams, and Spanx. It tells us wrinkles and grey hairs are things to cover up. It glorifies youth and irresponsibility and marginalizes the elderly, with all their wisdom. It believes a woman should never admit to her age.
And if we buy into the lie, it puts us at peril of the same fate as Dorian.
Because of the trade he made, Dorian stays young and beautiful, while his picture ages and grows grotesque with every year that passes and every evil Dorian commits. His outside stays beautiful at the expense of his inner growth and beauty.
Eventually, overcome with guilt for the murders, suicides, and other sins he’s been part of, Dorian stabs his picture, thinking that will free him. Instead, the picture returns to youthful beauty and Dorian, in death, becomes a withered, disgusting corpse.
Like Dorian, when we buy into the lie, we start to focus more of our time and energy and money on trying to match the unrealistic standard of beauty our society holds up for us to worship. We focus less on trying to cultivate the beauty we have inside.
And in the end, we’ll never win the battle against age. We’ll all die, and most of us will die old and wrinkly, saggy and age-spotted.
Instead of dreading it, fearing it, we should rejoice in it. The most beautiful woman is one who’s lived a full life.
I’m going to wear each new crinkle in the corners of my eyes as a badge of honor speaking to the hours I’ve spent laughing with friends.
I’m going to remember that my no-longer-perfectly-flat belly is because I’ve chosen to enjoy pizza nights with my husband, eat birthday cake and ice cream with my each of my elderly grandparents, and bake cookies for my parents.
I’m going to treasure the dark circles under my eyes (the part of my age I hate the most) because it speaks to how deeply I love, to the nights spent lying awake trying to think of ways to help hurting friends or crying over deceased loved ones and pets. Deep love leaves deep marks.
So as much as I’d still like to have a picture like Dorian Gray’s, I’d never want to be like Dorian Gray.
Because external beauty is not the most important thing, at least not to me.
Do you struggle with growing older? Do you love having your picture taken or do you hate it?
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Jun 23, 2015 @ 14:27:05
Hate having my picture taken. I always end up looking awkward, like my hair is on wrong or something. And let’s face it, we writers are not the most glamorous bunch. When I was a kid and it was school picture day, my mother would say, If your picture doesn’t come out nice, I’m not buying it! As if a ten-year-old could help it. Being photogenic is a gift.
Anyway, I had my own author website photos professionally done recently. My photographer actually was able to come up with a few shots that captured the real me, thank God.
Yours looks great! Beautiful smile and that color is perfect on you. And thirty-three is not old! Try turning fifty in six months like I am. Actually thirty-three was one of my favorite ages to be. In fact, inside I still feel that way, only wiser.
My advice? Be happy, enjoy your life and work, and be grateful you’re an author! There’s never been a more exciting time for us, and we get better as we get older!
Jun 23, 2015 @ 17:51:48
Yikes! It’s no wonder you don’t like having your picture taken. I’m glad to hear you finally found a photographer who knew how to help the real you shine through.
Now is an exciting time to be an author. We have more opportunities, more resources, and more support from others in our field than ever before. One of the things I’m most grateful for is how early in life I’ve been able to enter this career. I’m looking forward to how many years (Lord willing) I still have ahead of me to learn and grow.
Jun 23, 2015 @ 16:14:34
I’m embracing the crinkles around my eyes, and anywhere, too. Your post is a great reminder of why that matters! I look at your photo and see only beauty. We’re so darn hard on ourselves…and our world sure doesn’t make that easier. Thank you for cultivating positive change in your life that will no doubt inspire many (me included).
Jun 23, 2015 @ 17:47:26
Thank you, August! I still remember the very first time I ever felt self-conscious about my appearance. I was ten years old. I imagine girls are becoming critical of themselves at a younger age all the time, and I think one of the ways we can help try to change that is by showing them what it means to accept ourselves, wrinkles and crinkles and all. You’re an inspiration for a lot of women, myself included, with the way you’ve shared about your body image issues and now with your heel-less challenge.
Jun 23, 2015 @ 16:43:44
Marcy, this is a terrific post. We know the facts, it’s the acceptance of them that sticks sometimes. I have grandchildren now and they think I’m beautiful on my worst days. I value their perspective more than the mirror’s.
Jun 23, 2015 @ 17:41:20
It seems I have to keep reminding myself of the facts because, you’re right, accepting the truth in our hearts is much more difficult than intellectually knowing it. And thank you for mentioning how your grandchildren see you. It made me think of my grandmothers, who I think are beautiful women inside and out, even though they’re both in their 80s. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could see ourselves through the eyes of the people who love us?
Jun 23, 2015 @ 17:18:00
You are gorgeous. Always. I have a love hate with photos, mostly because of weight issues – they remind me that over-40’s sag touches EVERYONE.
Jun 23, 2015 @ 17:22:05
Marcy, you are beautiful. The picture is, well, you… beautiful, eyes bright, a smile that wins hearts, a sense of thoughtfulness and experience. It’s nice to think “oh, how young and vibrant I look” when we see our pictures, but… the picture only shows that moment in time when we were in front of the camera. It doesn’t show the laughter over pizza and ice cream, the tears shared with hurting friends and children,.. it doesn’t show US. It just shows a fraction of a second in a huge lifetime of accomplishments.
When we think of how little time that any picture actually captures of who we are… it’s amazing we put so much weight on them, isn’t it?
Jun 23, 2015 @ 19:42:36
‘Deep love leaves deep marks’ … I like that 🙂
Jun 23, 2015 @ 21:05:20
Marcy, you are lovely as always! I, too, have a love-hate relationship for having my photo taken. It’s mostly due to being overweight and that photos make me look older. In the age of the internet, we have the unique ability to get to know someone online, knowing we will never meet them in person, so our impressions are based solely on their written words. While no one looks forward to aging, I easily admit my age…just turned 51…but it really is just a number! Our spirit and soul is what keeps us radiant through the years.
Jun 23, 2015 @ 21:16:42
I love that meeting online allows us to get to know a person without knowing what they look like. I know that the internet is often used for deception, but it also, sometimes, allows us the chance to also be more honest and see more of a person’s soul without being distracted by their appearance.
If you hadn’t told me your age, I wouldn’t have known 🙂 In our “conversations” and in your writing, you’ve shown such a wonderful mix of youthful joy and enthusiasm coupled with maturity and kindness.
Jun 24, 2015 @ 01:06:28
I am so not photogenic! I don’t mind the way I look in real life. I’m actually rather proud that I am aging well (finally a benefit to oily skin–minimal wrinkles!) But I have never taken a good picture! Often the best pics of me are snapshots taken by friends or family during a candid moment.
I like your new photo. It’s cute!! And you don’t look old at all, because you are not old. You are in the prime of your life. Relax and enjoy!!
Jun 24, 2015 @ 08:01:10
Marcy, I’m seldom without my camera … and love being behind it! Being the subject matter in the photo is another issue. Your new author photo is beautiful … full of life, a warm smile from a lovely young face. Karen mentioned “try turning fifty” … any time! How about seventy? Yikes!
Jun 29, 2015 @ 22:03:53
I can’t believe you’re nearing 70! I think one of the things I’ve learned from this is that how old we look can be deception, and so we shouldn’t allow it to define us.
Jun 24, 2015 @ 19:34:19
I LOVE your new picture Marcy! But in saying that, I totally understand your phobia. I hate having my picture taken. What is that about? I think it’s that insidious perfectionism creeping in. I wish I could be one of those people that isn’t concerned with this. I wish I could go with the flow and enjoy it. Truly I do. But the older I get, the worse it gets. Good for you girl! You are beautiful inside and out. And it shows! 3>
Jun 25, 2015 @ 02:34:30
For the record I think that new picture of you is lovely, Marcy. I am now 61 and I look back on all my heart-burnings over new wrinkles and sags at age 30, 40 etc, and think, “What was I thinking?” And when I am 71 and look back on pics of my now overweight, wrinkled, white-haired self at 61 I will no doubt think the same thing. My mother used to cry the blues over looking old, but we all thought she looked beautiful. Beauty (and “looking old”) is in the eye of the beholder.
Jun 29, 2015 @ 21:24:36
Awesome pic, Marcy. Personally, I think you look more beautiful in this latest photo. I hate having my photo taken especially that I’m now over 55. Yikes! LOL
Jun 30, 2015 @ 19:57:43
I’ve gone back and forth between the two photos, Marcy, and while I’m still trying to figure out just how they look different (‘cuz they do), I really don’t see any difference in age! I suspect that while we all hate ourselves in photos, other people see no problem in them. My photo reluctance isn’t age so much – I generally think I do okay for 54 – but for my weight, especially for how pictures play it up. No fat arms or whale bulk for me, please! 🙂
I love your comments that what you don’t like in a picture is what came from treasured times, like birthday cake with grandparents. If our photos could capture us with all the life we’ve experienced, how great would that be?